"Facing The Truth"

April 8, 2017

“Facing The Truth”

As I stated before, by the time I finally got to working the steps, I had already admitted to myself that I was powerless over Alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. I also knew early on that God existed and that he had the power to help me recover. Up until this point, I didn’t feel I deserved to Recover. After the damage I had done to others around, I didn’t feel I deserved to move forward. I didn’t really want to breathe. I had spent almost a year a half in self-condemnation consumed by the same old pattern of self-destruction, guilt, shame and remorse. Now I faced a new path. God had finally gotten it through my thick skull that it was time for a change. After working through the first two steps, and beginning the process of building a relationship with each member of our step study, we came to Step Three.

3.        Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God “as we understood him”. (CR & AA) “CR omits “as we understood him”

God had already been working. When I arrived at Step 3, I personally began to hit the “tip of the iceberg” for where much of my destructive behaviour had originated from. This step centralizes the fact that we as Humans are not meant to run the entire show. For far too many years, I tried to do just that. I always knew God existed, but somehow in my perception, I thought I was supposed to be responsible for not only my actions, but the reactions or responses of those People, Places, Things & Events around me. I knew God was powerful. I’ve always known that he created the Earth, and the Moon and the Stars. When I worked through this step, it became apparent that somehow, over the course of time, I convinced myself that when something negative happened to me, or someone I knew or loved didn’t respond the way I felt like they should’ve responded, then that was my fault too and that it was my job to change that situation. It’s the concept of learning and understanding that we are responsible for “cleaning our side of the street.” God doesn’t need our help handling everything. We are only responsible for what “we” are responsible for.

I remember riding in a vehicle with my first sponsor. He asked me a very unusual question. He said, “When you pray, what do you pray for?”  I responded with what I had always been taught growing up in church. I submit my request to God and share my desires. Quickly he snapped back. “Who do you think you are God’s spiritual advisor?” This statement caught me completely off guard and offended me at first. He went on to explain that he believed that we needed to be willing to accept whatever God’s will was for our lives and other’s lives as well. He used a sick family member as an example. How many times have I prayed and begged for God to heal a sick family member or friend and then gotten angry when they’ve passed on? Or how many times have I gotten angry at God period when something didn’t go my way? The answer was plenty.

This step set up the start of true Recovery and a new way of living life for me completely. This one step is where I finally started putting the pieces together. Before, Alcohol blocked my communication with God. Now that Alcohol was removed, I knew I had restored communication with him. For me, this one step is the foundation of how I live life today. I can only do me. I can only control me. I can only own my mistakes, responsibilities, and screw ups. I can only clean my side of the street. As long I don’t try to control the whole show and accept the fact that I have to be willing to allow God to do that, then God’s will can prevail. If I screw up something, make a mistake or hurt someone in some way, the only way to move forward is to own all that and seek forgiveness. I can not be responsible nor should I be for their reaction(s) to me or anything else.

What I realized here, is that for far too many years, I drank a lot over this. I drank to numb the pain and fill the void for what I “thought” I was supposed to be feeling at the time. Often times, I drank to cover my reaction to Behaviors, Emotions, and Events that I didn’t agree with. Basically, by drinking, I was reacting to life instead of responding. Instead of working towards solutions or planning on how to make the situation better, I was drinking and making the situation worse in many cases. All the while, not proving anything to anyone around me that I felt had hurt me. Instead of repairing damage, I often escalated the damage much father than it started off to be, many times due to the intoxication that In retrospect was nothing more than self-medication.

So, here was the question. Was I going to live life the old way and continue to react instead of respond? Or was I willing to give up the control that I didn’t have in the first place? Live life on life’s terms? Allow God to be God? Be still and let him run the show? Learn to live on and clean my side of the street? I knew the answer had to be yes.

The second issue I dealt with during this step was learning to believe that my story wasn’t going to be and wasn’t supposed to be defined by the Valley I was living in. By this point, I had watched God move in numerous and copious ways in regards to blessings both physically, financially and emotionally. He didn’t waste any time lining up People, Places, Things & Events for me to prove he loved me and he was still in charge. I was still holding on to the belief that I didn’t deserve to move forward and ever be successful again. The guilt ran a lot of my days. Earlier I mentioned that when I got sober, Emotions came back. I had to wade through the truth of the damage I had caused along with the fact that life was never going to be the same. God will and does work, but he only deals with truth. Intoxication for me blocks truth.

Once I realized I wasn’t supposed to try to run the whole show, it became a lot easier walk away from the distorted future I’d written for myself. Satan is a liar. Satan doesn’t want any of us to be successful in Christ. Somewhere in the middle of Step 3, I remember another group member making a statement in reference to Integrity. He Said, “Once you’ve given away your Integrity, that’s it. You can never get it back.” That statement floored me. Not because I didn’t agree with it. It floored me because when I heard that statement articulated from someone else, I realized that’s exactly where I was emotionally. That’s the sentence I had passed on myself as the Judge, Jury & Prosecutor. I thought that no matter what happened in the future, I could never put my name and the word Integrity in the same sentence again. When I left the step study that night, his statement burned inside my mind.

It was through that statement that God taught me the most valuable lesson of all. If Integrity can never be rebuilt. If the fall is all there is. If our sin is the end…Then what is the point of Salvation and the sacrifice of Christ? For me, the question had been answered. Integrity can be rebuilt, one day at a time. My life can get better. I can be successful. I am allowed to be happy and joyous and free. I am allowed to move forward. As long as all of that is rooted in Christ. Christ didn’t sentence me to what I had sentenced myself to. Satan had been trying to convince me of that and I had been allowing him to win his argument with me.

When I was going through Trooper School, our class had several mottos that stuck. One came from a now retired former Post Commander and well respected member of the GSP Training Staff. “Ability Without Integrity Means Nothing.” Well, that’s true. That doesn’t mean you can’t find redemption. It just means you need to sit out a round or two until you re-center you mind. Get it and your soul right. Then, combine that ability with the integrity you know you must maintain. “it’s easier to obtain than to maintain.” SFC Mills was right. This was where I learned it was time to maintain, no matter what my critics were going to say.

So, my mind was clearing, and I was finally becoming willing to allow God to run the show. I also accepted the fact that I wasn’t alone and I was allowed to take that help and climb out of the ditch. Step 3 will always mean a lot to me. I have to return to this step on a daily basis to stay grounded in what I know to be true.

The next step was going to require a lot of honesty and soul searching on my part. It was going to require a mirror. A Clear Mirror to be exact. It was time to tackle the pain. Time to tackle to distortion. Time to deal with the burdens, fractures, mistakes and demons that hid behind the curtains. It was time to take an inventory. But that is for the next Blog entitled “Ripping off the Band-Aid.”

You said come just as you are
Your skin and bones smell like a bar
You say you want me there this way
Okay, well I'm on my way
I'll grab this bottle just in case
I'm just too ashamed to pray
Well I'm bringing this problem to you now
Yea the prodigal son returns
the only way that I know how, the only way that I know how

Gonna drive my steel horse down to the alter
Put my hands on the tank and pray
Lord I ain't got much to offer
And I ain't tryin to die this way
So may this bottle be the body
And this bourbon be the blood
If I pour it out will you take my offering
give me the strength to never pick it up
Yea here I stand, just as I am

You know most folks don't understand
That I'm talkin bout pourin out my best friend
Damn, it sounds so sad, but that's how it is
And that's why it's gotta end
Lord I've tried it by myself
Forget my pride, I need your help

Gonna drive my steel horse down to the alter
Put my hands on the tank and pray
Lord I ain't got much to offer
But I ain't tryin to die this way
So may this bottle be the body
And this bourbon be the blood
If I pour it out will you take my offering
give me the strength to never pick it up
here I stand, just as I am

So full that river full of tears and whiskey
Blood I've spilled and voice I've raised
A thousand loved lost heart broke memories
Scars on the heart and the skin I'm wearin
Raise me up, a brand new man
So I can face this world, just as I am

You said come just as you are
Skin and bones and broken heart
You kept your word, and here I stand,
Born again, just as I am

Brantley Gilbert-“Just As I Am”