"Facing The Truth"

April 8, 2017

“Facing The Truth”

As I stated before, by the time I finally got to working the steps, I had already admitted to myself that I was powerless over Alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. I also knew early on that God existed and that he had the power to help me recover. Up until this point, I didn’t feel I deserved to Recover. After the damage I had done to others around, I didn’t feel I deserved to move forward. I didn’t really want to breathe. I had spent almost a year a half in self-condemnation consumed by the same old pattern of self-destruction, guilt, shame and remorse. Now I faced a new path. God had finally gotten it through my thick skull that it was time for a change. After working through the first two steps, and beginning the process of building a relationship with each member of our step study, we came to Step Three.

3.        Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God “as we understood him”. (CR & AA) “CR omits “as we understood him”

God had already been working. When I arrived at Step 3, I personally began to hit the “tip of the iceberg” for where much of my destructive behaviour had originated from. This step centralizes the fact that we as Humans are not meant to run the entire show. For far too many years, I tried to do just that. I always knew God existed, but somehow in my perception, I thought I was supposed to be responsible for not only my actions, but the reactions or responses of those People, Places, Things & Events around me. I knew God was powerful. I’ve always known that he created the Earth, and the Moon and the Stars. When I worked through this step, it became apparent that somehow, over the course of time, I convinced myself that when something negative happened to me, or someone I knew or loved didn’t respond the way I felt like they should’ve responded, then that was my fault too and that it was my job to change that situation. It’s the concept of learning and understanding that we are responsible for “cleaning our side of the street.” God doesn’t need our help handling everything. We are only responsible for what “we” are responsible for.

I remember riding in a vehicle with my first sponsor. He asked me a very unusual question. He said, “When you pray, what do you pray for?”  I responded with what I had always been taught growing up in church. I submit my request to God and share my desires. Quickly he snapped back. “Who do you think you are God’s spiritual advisor?” This statement caught me completely off guard and offended me at first. He went on to explain that he believed that we needed to be willing to accept whatever God’s will was for our lives and other’s lives as well. He used a sick family member as an example. How many times have I prayed and begged for God to heal a sick family member or friend and then gotten angry when they’ve passed on? Or how many times have I gotten angry at God period when something didn’t go my way? The answer was plenty.

This step set up the start of true Recovery and a new way of living life for me completely. This one step is where I finally started putting the pieces together. Before, Alcohol blocked my communication with God. Now that Alcohol was removed, I knew I had restored communication with him. For me, this one step is the foundation of how I live life today. I can only do me. I can only control me. I can only own my mistakes, responsibilities, and screw ups. I can only clean my side of the street. As long I don’t try to control the whole show and accept the fact that I have to be willing to allow God to do that, then God’s will can prevail. If I screw up something, make a mistake or hurt someone in some way, the only way to move forward is to own all that and seek forgiveness. I can not be responsible nor should I be for their reaction(s) to me or anything else.

What I realized here, is that for far too many years, I drank a lot over this. I drank to numb the pain and fill the void for what I “thought” I was supposed to be feeling at the time. Often times, I drank to cover my reaction to Behaviors, Emotions, and Events that I didn’t agree with. Basically, by drinking, I was reacting to life instead of responding. Instead of working towards solutions or planning on how to make the situation better, I was drinking and making the situation worse in many cases. All the while, not proving anything to anyone around me that I felt had hurt me. Instead of repairing damage, I often escalated the damage much father than it started off to be, many times due to the intoxication that In retrospect was nothing more than self-medication.

So, here was the question. Was I going to live life the old way and continue to react instead of respond? Or was I willing to give up the control that I didn’t have in the first place? Live life on life’s terms? Allow God to be God? Be still and let him run the show? Learn to live on and clean my side of the street? I knew the answer had to be yes.

The second issue I dealt with during this step was learning to believe that my story wasn’t going to be and wasn’t supposed to be defined by the Valley I was living in. By this point, I had watched God move in numerous and copious ways in regards to blessings both physically, financially and emotionally. He didn’t waste any time lining up People, Places, Things & Events for me to prove he loved me and he was still in charge. I was still holding on to the belief that I didn’t deserve to move forward and ever be successful again. The guilt ran a lot of my days. Earlier I mentioned that when I got sober, Emotions came back. I had to wade through the truth of the damage I had caused along with the fact that life was never going to be the same. God will and does work, but he only deals with truth. Intoxication for me blocks truth.

Once I realized I wasn’t supposed to try to run the whole show, it became a lot easier walk away from the distorted future I’d written for myself. Satan is a liar. Satan doesn’t want any of us to be successful in Christ. Somewhere in the middle of Step 3, I remember another group member making a statement in reference to Integrity. He Said, “Once you’ve given away your Integrity, that’s it. You can never get it back.” That statement floored me. Not because I didn’t agree with it. It floored me because when I heard that statement articulated from someone else, I realized that’s exactly where I was emotionally. That’s the sentence I had passed on myself as the Judge, Jury & Prosecutor. I thought that no matter what happened in the future, I could never put my name and the word Integrity in the same sentence again. When I left the step study that night, his statement burned inside my mind.

It was through that statement that God taught me the most valuable lesson of all. If Integrity can never be rebuilt. If the fall is all there is. If our sin is the end…Then what is the point of Salvation and the sacrifice of Christ? For me, the question had been answered. Integrity can be rebuilt, one day at a time. My life can get better. I can be successful. I am allowed to be happy and joyous and free. I am allowed to move forward. As long as all of that is rooted in Christ. Christ didn’t sentence me to what I had sentenced myself to. Satan had been trying to convince me of that and I had been allowing him to win his argument with me.

When I was going through Trooper School, our class had several mottos that stuck. One came from a now retired former Post Commander and well respected member of the GSP Training Staff. “Ability Without Integrity Means Nothing.” Well, that’s true. That doesn’t mean you can’t find redemption. It just means you need to sit out a round or two until you re-center you mind. Get it and your soul right. Then, combine that ability with the integrity you know you must maintain. “it’s easier to obtain than to maintain.” SFC Mills was right. This was where I learned it was time to maintain, no matter what my critics were going to say.

So, my mind was clearing, and I was finally becoming willing to allow God to run the show. I also accepted the fact that I wasn’t alone and I was allowed to take that help and climb out of the ditch. Step 3 will always mean a lot to me. I have to return to this step on a daily basis to stay grounded in what I know to be true.

The next step was going to require a lot of honesty and soul searching on my part. It was going to require a mirror. A Clear Mirror to be exact. It was time to tackle the pain. Time to tackle to distortion. Time to deal with the burdens, fractures, mistakes and demons that hid behind the curtains. It was time to take an inventory. But that is for the next Blog entitled “Ripping off the Band-Aid.”

You said come just as you are
Your skin and bones smell like a bar
You say you want me there this way
Okay, well I'm on my way
I'll grab this bottle just in case
I'm just too ashamed to pray
Well I'm bringing this problem to you now
Yea the prodigal son returns
the only way that I know how, the only way that I know how

Gonna drive my steel horse down to the alter
Put my hands on the tank and pray
Lord I ain't got much to offer
And I ain't tryin to die this way
So may this bottle be the body
And this bourbon be the blood
If I pour it out will you take my offering
give me the strength to never pick it up
Yea here I stand, just as I am

You know most folks don't understand
That I'm talkin bout pourin out my best friend
Damn, it sounds so sad, but that's how it is
And that's why it's gotta end
Lord I've tried it by myself
Forget my pride, I need your help

Gonna drive my steel horse down to the alter
Put my hands on the tank and pray
Lord I ain't got much to offer
But I ain't tryin to die this way
So may this bottle be the body
And this bourbon be the blood
If I pour it out will you take my offering
give me the strength to never pick it up
here I stand, just as I am

So full that river full of tears and whiskey
Blood I've spilled and voice I've raised
A thousand loved lost heart broke memories
Scars on the heart and the skin I'm wearin
Raise me up, a brand new man
So I can face this world, just as I am

You said come just as you are
Skin and bones and broken heart
You kept your word, and here I stand,
Born again, just as I am

Brantley Gilbert-“Just As I Am”

"Steps"

“Steps”

March 14^th, 2017

Webster’s Dictionary defines “Sober” as: “1. Not addicted to intoxicating drink, not drunk. 2. Marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor.  3. Unhurried or calm. 4. Marked by temperance, moderation, seriousness or showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion or prejudice. All these were the complete and total opposite of how I knew to live life.

Stepping into Sobriety wasn’t just a challenge. It was having to learn how to respond instead of react to life. I had to learn how NOT react by numbing out or distancing myself from a situation that needed to be handled head on. I had to learn how not try to run the show on my own and I had to learn that God really did love me and that I did deserve to get better, move forward and heal. I had to learn that God had a plan and it wasn’t my job to be his associate planner or spiritual advisor. I had to learn to be submissive. I had to learn to be obedient to God’s call. I had to learn to be still and know, that God is God.

Days and weeks began to click by. I was still at Visionworks. I was still hitting meetings during the week and Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. I was trying to get a handle on what Sobriety was going to mean. My mind flashed backwards to something that I first heard in the rooms of AA. “give it several months before you even try to accept what Sobriety is going to feel like to your mind, body and spirit.” I had been out there drinking on a consistent basis and handling life the same way for at least 6 years. I wasn’t sure what Sober was really going to feel like. The question for me, not only was life going to be better but would there come a day where I could look at myself in the mirror and like who I saw looking back at me?

 By late October, I signed up for a “Men’s Step Study” through the Celebrate Recovery program. Anyone that is active in Recovery will tell you that not drinking is only the first step to true sobriety. If you are not hitting meetings and not talking with another recovering alcoholic on a daily basis, most likely you’ll experience a spiritual slip at bare minimum. The cornerstone of recovery are the “12 Steps.” The Step Study program allows the participants to complete the 12 steps, but with a Christ Centered focus. Please understand up front that I support both the CR program and AA. I believe God brings people to a place where they can handle business with him. That plan doesn’t always follow the exact same process from person to person. I know a lot of people that started in CR and I know a lot of people that have started in AA and participate in both CR and AA today. Recovery is just that. You get what you put in.

The prospect of finally working these steps didn’t scare me by this point. As a matter of fact, I remember being anxious to get started. I had put off handling that business with God for so long that by the time I finally became willing, I knew there was no other way than to saddle up get ready for the journey. When I first wound up in E-town, I got introduced to Recovery quickly, but it’s impossible to engage in Recovery while still actively drinking. I believed what I was hearing about my faults, failures and fractures but I was denying the truth of the Cross and what that meant for me. I was excluding myself from the love of Christ. I was telling Jesus that I didn’t qualify for his sacrifice, his love, his grace, his gift, his salvation for me. I was ready. God had brought me to a place where I knew that come what may, it was time to face the truth.

As I move through my journey in working the steps and the events that occurred during that time period, I want to list the Celebrate Recovery Version of the step(s) and also the secular version of the step(s) as well, if different. To me, both versions are the same, just worded a little differently. I can honestly say that finally working these steps not only brought me closer to the Lord, but I was finally able to take a long, hard look in the mirror and deal with the man looking back at me. I also know today that for every decision we make as humans, there is a reason. Right, wrong or indifferent, there is a reason. Somewhere at some point in our lives, we were influenced by a person, place, thing or event that affected our decision making on whatever issue may be at hand. Everyone’s journey is different. That’s for sure.

Our step study met on the first Friday in December. I can honestly say that the bond that we men in that group formed throughout the process is unbreakable. I’m thankful each one of their names and faces along with their experience, strength and hope. We lost a couple of guys along the way and wish them well but at the end of the process, a core group of us remained. It is safe to say, that this Step Study was and still one of the most powerful spiritual walks and experiences I have ever been a part of. I hope, as I share some basics about the steps of recovery that my experience helps someone. I also pray that the message doesn’t get lost in the words. I’ve chosen to be detailed in portions and vague in others for the same reasons I detailed at the beginning of these series of blogs. My story involves others. I have to cognizant of that. I have to be respectful of that while still communicating truth. The steps are worked in order for a particular reason. If any one person were to choose to journey through any of the steps out of order or skip one’s that may seem “too difficult” will most likely be left empty, cold and unsatisfied. The point is, one step at a time, with spiritual progress not perfection in mind.

1.       We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable (CR). / 1.  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable (AA).

Well, by the time I got to this point, this wasn’t even up for debate. I came into the Step Study openly admitting this. Actually, in retrospect, looking back, since I started drinking at age 18, I was never able to manage it or engage in “controlled drinking.” To me, that was a joke. My “drinking career” had progressed over time but it had also started in 5^th gear. It had taken me to a place where it wasn’t just about drinking too much and getting sick. I started there. Between ages 18-21 I drank sporadically but when I drank, it was always to get drunk. I knew, from an early age, that when I popped the top on that first one, I was searching for the same feeling I got when I drank before. The feeling of euphoria, calm, well-being, but most of all the empty void disappeared. I found that feeling early. Problem is, I seemed to always be chasing it. That chase brought destruction and all the wreckage along with it.

Along with wreckage lay the mistakes that came with intoxication. At least that what I thought they initially were. I would find out later that the intoxication just ripped open my soul along with all its defects, magnified them, distorted them and brought them to the surface. It has been said that Alcohol or whatever substance of choice is just a symptom of the deeper problem(s). I completely agree with that today. I’ll get to that later. But, yes, my life was unmanageable. Shoot, compared to a little over a year prior, it didn’t even exist in the same format anymore. The one I did have had been an emotional roller coaster because of my drinking now. I knew I was powerless on my own. I knew I had given away control long before. Yep, unmanageable. I was willing to admit that.

2.        We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity (CR & AA).

I do know that for some people, this very step is one of the hardest ones to get through. Some people struggle to understand how awesome and powerful God is.  Not as much for me. It was, but not for the same reasons that some people struggle here. It wasn’t that I was ever Atheist or that that I doubted God’s power. My hang up was that I didn’t believe I deserved redemption, peace, happiness or sanity. I didn’t deserve the love of Jesus Christ. I didn’t deserve to move forward, be productive or experience success again. I was tired of hurting and hurting other people but for far too long I got stuck at that place where I felt that a self-imposed sentence of condemnation was appropriate. That wasn’t working either though. I was still hurting others. It took a while, but God finally got my attention.

I knew that by this point, God was obviously showing me that it was I that had been trying to run the  show. He had shown me that it was “my plan” that allowed the events to unfold the way they had in my life. It was my own self-reliance and self-will that brought the destruction that haunted me so much. He had shown me that he was the only one that could run the show. No matter how well intentioned my plans were, they were doomed from the moment I chose not to allow him to take the lead.

I need to break here and share a major series of events that unfolded about the time that we were in the middle of working this step. This step is all about understanding that there is a power (God) who is greater than ourselves working for us and not against us. I do know today that we are just on God’s great canvass. We don’t see all the pieces or moving parts but each of us is being positioned and moved to exactly where God wants us to be as long as we don’t try to take the wheel.

God had to teach me a lesson in contentment when I was at Visionworks. That position provided exactly what I needed, when I needed it, while I needed it. God provided financial stability, the love and support of that crew along with the discipline I needed to begin stepping in the right direction. With all that being said, my heart wasn’t there. My heart was on the road. My heart was still in that Patrol Car. My heart was still on the radio calling in traffic stops. My Heart was in that uniform.

There lay the problem. I had spent so many years and so much time making my job the priority of my life. Even before I started working my steps, I knew that one major mistake I made as a Trooper, was trying to identify who I was by that Blue & Grey uniform instead of who’s I was. Instead of the Husband, Son and Friend I was supposed to be. God had to teach me to separate myself from my occupation. I know that was accomplished at Visionworks.  

On a cold night in early December I was on duty at Visionworks, working the closing shift. We were dead that night with no one else at the store. At approximately 7:00PM, a married couple walked through the front door and requested exams and frame styles. I vividly remember being annoyed at 1 hour before closing, we were going to be held over. I just wanted to finish up and go home. The couple moved through the exam process with the Doctor and were handed off to the floor for Framestyle. This is the frame/ lens choice and purchase process. There was 2 of us working on that side and I was the Junior Manager. Guess who got the files? Me.

I had no idea that the introduction that I was about to make would end up altering the course of events in my life. God’s timing is always perfect and nothing happens by coincidence. God is the great meeting maker and in this case, it was no exception.

“Dave and Karen Shaw.” I called their names. They seemed like a nice couple. I walked them through the framestyle process and we sat down to look at lenses. As I took care of their order, the couple and I got to talking. I found out that he worked for a trucking company as the General Manager and had been there for a long time. I shared with him my past work experience and the enforcement work with commercial vehicles I had on the road. We got to talking about commercial vehicle enforcement, crashes, law and issues that CDL drivers had to put up with out on the road. It was a really fluid conversation and I was glad to have met the couple. They shared with me that their Daughter, Kelli had passed from Cancer a couple years prior. Before they left that night, they handed me a copy of her testimony that she wrote before she passed. It was powerful. I knew that there was a reason I had met this couple but I had no clue as to why.

That following Sunday, Kim and I stepped into the Speedway across from work to get a couple of fountain drinks. At the register, I heard a little voice tell me, “pick up a Sunday paper.” Even at that point, I knew God whispered and sometimes he yells. I hardly ever buy a paper. I heard the whisper. I picked up the paper, paid for it and out the door I went.

That night, I flipped through the paper fairly quickly. I don’t remember seeing anything that caught my eye. Except for one thing. One the back page was a full color ad for A&M Carriers. It was the trucking company that Mr. Shaw worked for whom I met earlier in the week. I filed the memory away and tossed the paper.

A couple days later, in the evening, Mr. and Mrs. Shaw walked in to pick up their glasses. I had the opportunity to fit Mr. Shaw. As they started to leave, I heard another whisper say, “tell him you saw the ad.” As the couple approached the front door, I stopped them before they reach the door. “Hey, I wanted to tell you I thought about you this week. I saw your ad in the paper.” I said. Dave responded, “You did? I thought about you too.” I watched as Dave scanned the room, took a business card out of his front shirt pocket and said, “My Safety Director of 10 years is retiring. Call me if you are looking for a change.” The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew God was talking. I knew he was working. I knew he was setting something in motion.

Long story short, I sent in my resume along with a lengthy e-mail describing the last year and three months prior to that meeting. I couldn’t see how a company like theirs could use me due to liability concerns. I had experience. I had the drive. I had the skill set. But, I had too much baggage. At least that’s what I thought. I interviewed and waited on the call. I could tell that the opportunity would be a great one. It sounded like an awesome company to work for. They were a faith based, family oriented company. I needed that so bad in my life. The opportunity would allow me to use and build on my experience. Commercial Vehicle Safety is a common field for former Law Enforcement, specifically Troopers to end up in. My background in traffic enforcement set me up for that.

A week later, I placed my notice of resignation with Visionworks and accepted the offer with A&M Carriers. I’ve been here over 2 years now. I’ll get to some of the events that have unfolded since then later, but I was in awe. 3 weeks after my Sobriety date, I was accepting a new position that was right in line with what I knew how to do. God was working and moving behind the scenes. I didn’t deserve it but I knew I was being lead to something beyond my imagination.

On January 3^rd, 2015, I worked my last day at Visionworks and turned in my keys. I am eternally grateful for my time there but I was ready and grateful to have step forward. On January 5^th, 2015, I reported for duty at A&M Carriers.

Not only had God lead me to place that I knew was a faith based and family oriented company. This was also a Monday-Friday 8:00AM-5:00PM slot. I was freed up for the remainder of the Step Study and worship on Sunday. I had no clue how much this company was going to play a role in Kim and I’s lives.

This leads me to step three, which I’ll discuss in the next post, “Facing The Truth.”

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

“Better Than I Used To Be”-Tim Mcgraw

"Surrender"

“Surrender”

March 8th, 2017

                And just like that, Papaw was gone. The man that I had admired, followed, and looked up to my entire life was gone. I knew it was his time and I knew how lucky and blessed we had all been for having him as long as we did. I just kept thinking what a disappointment I was to him and everyone else I knew. My life as I knew it had imploded just 7 Months prior and I was not the Man I wanted or needed to be when he passed. All I could think was that maybe God allows those that move on before us to keep the watch until we too are called up. Either way, the guilt, shame and feelings of worthlessness persisted even when I knew God was working on my behalf.

                Before Papaw passed on, I had already scheduled a weekend off from work in April. Kim and I had talked and she agreed it was time for me to make that first trip back to Georgia. It was Dad’s Birthday Weekend too. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was anxious to get back, I think in part because even though my actions brought the exile and separation from everything I knew, I didn’t actively choose to leave it all behind and run away. At least, that’s not what I meant to do but because of my choices, that’s what happened. I knew that until I went back on my own, there was no way I had any shot of beginning to heal. There were people I had spoken to, that were still rooting for me, but there were also people that I hadn’t spoken to that I had hurt, angered, damaged and disappointed. I knew they didn’t want to see me and I was nervous to see some of them. I knew it was time though. I wanted Kim to meet a few members of my family. I wanted to her to meet a few people that had stayed with me and supported me on this ride. I wanted her to see and know what it was like before I wound up in E-town. It was sorda like 2 world’s colliding during this trip. Life after September 1^st, 2013 meets life before September 1^st, 2013.

                I had made that 400-mile ride on countless occasions over 10 years. Every time I made that ride, I knew I’d be coming back through headed back home. I knew I-75 in Georgia so well that I knew exactly what exits to hit for the restaurants, gas stations and easy entrance and exits. I knew when to leave to miss Atlanta traffic and I could time it down to the minute usually that I would be home. This time was different. This time I was making that ride in as a visitor, as a stranger, as someone who wasn’t sure if I’d be received or not. Crossing that State Line in Chattanooga brought an emotion I’d never experienced. I remember sighing deeply as we passed the Dalton exits. “Georgia State Patrol Post, Next Right”. That blue highway sign stood out just like it was supposed to. Kim looked over at me and asked, “you okay?” “Yeah” I replied. Inside I was trembling. Slowly, we made our way down I-75 and into Metro Atlanta where I had spent almost 3 years patrolling as a rookie Trooper. So many flash backs of crashes investigated, cars stopped, pursuits, etc. As we neared Macon, I felt my stomach churn. This was the home stretch.  When I’d left town 7 months prior, I-75 in Macon was still a construction zone. That work was completed. Another sign of time marching on.  I-75 South to I-16 east, then the exit on to Spring Street. I thought I was going to vomit. Not because I didn’t want to be, “home” but because I was so afraid I wasn’t wanted back. Finally, the right turn from GA State Route 22 on to GA State Route 49 and another 25 minutes down the road.

“Welcome to Baldwin County. Georgia’s Lake Country.”

I was home. I was back in the County that I had called home for most of the last 10 years. Memories flooded back to a point that it was almost overwhelming. 4 more miles and we’d be in my Dad and Step-Momma’s driveway. This was the meeting I probably dreaded the most. At this point, I still didn’t fully grasp why I had made some of the decisions I had made. I knew I was sorry. I knew I was remorseful, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to explain the “why?” factor. I still didn’t really know myself. I had a lot of guilt over my relationship with my Dad and family. Dad was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung & Brain Cancer in September of 2011 while I was still stationed in Atlanta. Within a year, Dad had gone blind from the treatment.

 The Patrol had allowed me to transfer to the Perry post after he was diagnosed. Unfortunately, Alcohol was already running most of my life in full force. I’d wasted most of my last 2 years in the Milledgeville area. Instead of fully utilizing the time I had left with Dad, I’d let it slip away. When my crash happened, it didn’t take long for that fact to catch up to me. Walking in to see him, I hated the thought of the disappointment I had brought to him and our family line. At the time, I was 3^rd Generation Law Enforcement. Almost every male in our family line was in active law enforcement or had served at some point.

It was good to see Dad and Vickie. Kim got to meet Dad & Vickie and the visit went well. As Dad and I talked, I do remember him telling me that he forgave me for my actions and that he was proud for me for trying to move forward in finding work and getting my own place again. He did go further as he told me that he forgave me before I even made those choices. I still couldn’t think of how to explain why I had done what I had done. Nothing could explain it, and I still couldn’t process forgiving myself. He and I shared some more that’ll stay between us but as we left Dad’s to begin the ride home, Dad told me that he was glad we’d had a good trip but that I needed to put that place behind me for a while. That hurt. I knew exactly why he was telling me that and I left, knowing that he understood a little better and more than I thought he did. He was right in his parting words to me. Part of me didn’t want to leave, but that trip needed to happen. I’m grateful for it today. I was able to spend some time with some folks that stayed with me and believed in me through my journey. Those folks know who they are but will never truly understand how much I appreciate each of them. Their support helped carry me through when I didn’t feel like anyone believed in me anymore. Thanks to those in Milledgeville, Warner Robins and Perry. This guy felt a lot better at the time when I saw each of you.

A couple of short days and we headed back north to Kentucky. I had no clue how long it would be before I would make it back again. I knew I wouldn’t be driving anytime soon so I had no idea. Life returned to work, home and the new version of my daily life. The relationship between Kim and I was becoming deeper and I knew that God had placed someone very special in my life for a reason. Even with that being said, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of shame, guilt and remorse that was ingrained into my heart, soul and memory. I just couldn’t believe that I deserved to get better, move on, grow and most of all feel peace. I continued to drink occasionally throughout the spring and Summer of 2014, all the while still attending recovery meetings several times a week. I can remember sitting in a Recovery meeting sometime during the Spring of 2014. I remember sharing how dark I still felt and that how much I still hated decisions I had made. The group chairman turned to me and said, “Tyler, do you believe that God has forgiven you?’ This was an easy answer. I certainly did. I never doubted that. It was my concern that I didn’t deserve happiness here on Earth. That I had given away certain aspects of who I was that I couldn’t ever get back, but I answered, “of course.” He responded quickly. “Then who are you to question God’s standard of Forgiveness?”

Maybe that was it. Maybe it wasn’t God’s forgiveness I was seeking. It was trying to figure out how to forgive myself for the pattern of reckless behavior. In order to do that, I had to understand why so many of those choices had occurred. That night though, was another step in right direction. I left that meeting thinking about that brief exchange. Another seed had been planted.

After that night, I knew I needed to start to try to sober up. Nothing was changing because I wasn’t changing. The thought process was the same because I wasn’t allowing my mind to change. I was stuck in the same insanity filled cycle. The next couple of months brought some tough nights though. I was torn between knowing what I needed to do and feeling undeserving of what was possibly on the other side. I had always heard that when an Alcoholic or Addict first gets Sober, the first thing to return is all the Emotions. All of the dark, ugly truth that I had been trying to numb for several years.  It wasn’t long and I began making same choices that caused Kim to see the drunk in me too. Before I knew it, I was doing several of the same things I was doing in Georgia. I would drink alone in the day, lie about drinking and hope she didn’t smell it or pick up on the behavior. I got to a point where I was hiding Alcohol in my apartment again. I shake my head when I read the sentence I just typed because it was the exact definition of insanity. Geographical Location was making no difference in the results of the same choices I was making. Kentucky or Georgia, it didn’t matter. Same choices=Same Consequences. Same empty feeling of uselessness.

On the other side of the coin was what was going on with my Momma. It is not my place today to tell Mom’s story. Part of her story though is woven with mine. All I can say is that for over 35 years my Mother fought her own Demons. At this time in 2014, Momma was actively drinking and was very open about doing so. I had been spending a lot of time with her and she was always a safe place to turn to when I wanted to hear what I “wanted” to hear at the time. This didn’t mean it was “right” thing though. I never once have doubted that Momma loved me which is why one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make was distancing myself from those who were choosing not to support Sobriety. I came to a point where I finally admitted to myself that I was too weak to spend time around anyone who was actively drinking. Problem was Momma wasn’t staying sober at all. She was choosing her lifestyle and I was inching towards choosing a different one for me.

Kim had been patient with me but was beginning to lose that ability and rightfully so. I was gaining 30-60 days of Sobriety and then choosing to pick up another drink. Usually it was based on the same old excuse of something gone wrong in life that I chose to drink over. It was definitely not turning my will and my life over to God. That was still just beyond my willingness. My last major drinking episode was a night in September of 2014. I wound up at my Mother’s one night. That night in particular could’ve been the trap door at the bottom of the hole I had already made for myself. All I can say, is God allowed me to get through that night without harming myself or going to jail again. If your reading this and this part of my testimony is speaking to you, then you can probably fill in the blanks with how you can relate to this night in my story. I woke up at about 3:00AM that next morning at my Mothers. I was heart-broken, tired of living the same way and ready to give up on myself in every way, just like many others had. I felt truly powerless, cold, empty and alone.

I picked up my phone and dialed Kim’s number. I assumed initially that she was going to be finished with me too. I wouldn’t have blamed her. Anyone else would have. To my surprise, she answered and said she was on her way. That night, I didn’t sleep much after that. When I got home, I cried, I prayed, I begged God to take this weight from me. Anything had to be better than the life I was living, the pain I was feeling and the continual sense that I was never going to be enough. I didn’t want to hurt and I didn’t want to hurt other people anymore. I asked God to deliver me from the cycle or take me from this world. I knew that I couldn’t do it by myself any longer.

The next morning, I woke up with a resolve. A resolve that I was willing to try. A resolve that I didn’t want to live like I had been living. That I didn’t want to try to do it on my own anymore. I made a commitment to God that I would try to listen and for once in my life, accept the help that had been around me for far too long. I knew I had good things and good people in my life. I knew that God had shown me he was running the show in multiple ways. Again, I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. I chose to accept that God intended more for more than the condemnation I had sentenced myself to. I chose to try to believe that God not only loved me, forgave me for my mistakes and not only that, but that he also wasn’t finished with me here on Earth either. I knew I didn’t want to die, I knew I just felt like I deserved to.

Over the course of the next 4 weeks, I hit my meetings, I used my phone to call someone in the Recovery community when I was struggling. I attempted to avoid time alone, I prayed and I tried to avoid the triggers that I knew caused me to think about picking up another drink. I knew it was going to take feeling the pain, dealing with the truth and trying to keep the focus on the windshield instead of the rear-view mirror. That was because, even though the rear view was small, there was SO MUCH in it. Even with that, I knew God was working and had put people, places, things and events in my life in his timing.

On October 14^th, 2014, I made that choice to pick up that drink one last time. Something triggered a memory. The memory triggered a line and a pattern of thoughts. The thoughts brought emotions and LIES. Instead of picking up the phone and calling someone, I reverted back to what didn’t work. As a matter of fact, Alcohol never really worked at all. It just put a temporary band aid on what could only heal with the love of Christ. In addition, I noticed, that this time was different. The effect that I chased for so long was nowhere to be found. I just remember thinking, "Why am I doing this?"

Kim came home and it didn’t take long that she picked up on what was going on. Luckily, I wasn’t absolutely trashed.  Instead of leaving, she called my Sponsor and he was at the house within minutes. We talked, we prayed and I asked forgiveness right there in that spot for not only that day but doubting God at all. I asked God to guide me, lead me and direct my steps on a daily basis and to help me somehow not look at such a picture. I asked him to help me keep it simple and accept Sobriety and everything that came with it, one day at a time. I finally Surrendered.....

With that said, I have been fortunate enough to be given a daily reprieve from a seemingly hopeless state of mind, heart and soul, one day at a time, October 15^th, 2014. I am eternally grateful for that day

Beginning with that Day, God began spelling out so much truth to me. For me, my Testimony was and is only beginning. The blessings that followed have been so powerful. The trials that have followed have been tackle with a Sober mind and Body. Some days have been easy, some have been hard, but every day has been dealt with, not on my own, but by turning to the Lord.

Up until now, I’ve tried to spell out, “What is was like & What happened.” I have the privilege of sharing with you from this point forward, what it has been like, walking in Sobriety. God was only preparing me for the Business I still had to do with him. God only work in truth. The field had to be ready for the Truth to harvest. It was time to handle business.

I’ll begin that in the next blog entitled “Steps”

Today I did something
I never thought I'd do
The choice, wasn't easy
But I had to
All the years together
All those cold lonely nights
I never thought I'd be strong enough
To leave it all behind
Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

Well it won't be easy
But it's never easy
When you let down
The one you love
There's someone at home
Who needs me
So I'm givin' up
She always knew the truth
Never left my side
Man a love like that
Only comes once in a life
So today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine

My hands were shakin'
And my knees were weak
As I poured my last shot
And I drank my last drink.
And I heard freedom ring
When that bottle hit the floor
And I just walked away
Not needing any more

Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

“An Old Friend Of Mine”-Joe Nichols

               

"Revelation"

“Revelation”

                September came… and went. The air in the Bluegrass began to chill and I began to accept that I wasn’t going home. The seasonal change in temperature was a reminder that time was marching on and so was everyone else I knew. Without me. Looking back, I guess it was like emotionally treading water with an anchor attached to my feet. I was nearing the completion of my DUI Risk Reduction Course as well as the counseling sessions. I had a lot of legal fees I knew I was going to need to cover, not to mention I had 2 DUI’s in Georgia that had yet to disposition. Instead of going to treatment, I chose to look for work. So, I went down to the courthouse and was able to get a Kentucky State I.D. Card made. I can still remember how it felt so strange and so incredibly wrong to hold that ID in my hand. I didn’t want a Kentucky ID. I wanted to go home, back to Georgia. That’s where home was. But, in order to get my affairs in order, I had to have some ID just to pursue and accept any job.

I went down to the unemployment office and began to put in for any job that I thought would take me. I filled out more applications than I can ever remember filling out. It didn’t feel right. Law Enforcement and Public Safety was all I knew. So much of who I was rested itself behind that badge. The concept of identifying with any other job other than one in uniform raised my anxiety to an unbelievable level. I saw God leading people, places, things and events to me but it was impossible for me to separate that knowledge from the self-loathing, guilt, shame, remorse and fear that controlled most of every move I was making. Still, I was somehow able to submit my resume and job application for several local factories online and left the office. “Who would possibly want me?” “I’m just damaged goods at this point.” I was beginning to get used to taking a Taxi where I wanted to go so I waited for the cab to get to the unemployment. It began to rain. It was a cold rain. For some reason, I recall that vividly.

Day after day was running the same. Go to my classes, go to recovery meetings, hopefully go to CR, Church on Sunday. I even started going to a Men’s Group at Church on Sunday Night. The Men’s Group was going through a Men’s Study entitled “The Quest for Authentic Manhood.” God showed me a lot about myself even going through that course. What was missing, was the belief that I was supposed to and allowed to get better. I had written myself off too. Who was I get better? I didn’t deserve to be happy again. All this time, I was still drinking. So, any education I was receiving regarding Alcoholism or Addiction as well as what was so fractured in me, was being drowned by the Alcohol I was taking in.

Recovery meetings were going well even though I was still drinking. I didn’t realize at the time that seeds were being planted in my mind that would sprout and grow later. I heard several phrases that stuck. “Give time time.” “TIME=Things I Must Earn.” “My feelings are not facts.” That one stuck for sure. I had spent so much time in my life drinking over what my perception of what reality was. All the while not seeing that my drinking was altering and distorting what reality truly was.”

I remember one night while riding in a vehicle with an older member of the recovery community, I was asked, “What do you pray for when you pray?” This was an unusual question but I answered honestly. I began to detail how I submitted my requests to God. I was stopped mid-sentence. “Who do you think you are, God’s spiritual advisor?” That too was deep. For so many years I had begged God for this and for that. To responded to my requests with a yes. I realize looking back, that I never just asked God for his will to be done? I know today that it’s still okay for me to submit my requests to God and tell him what I’m struggling with but that in the same breath, I should submit my will to his will. That’s all he wants from us. To give up the control we think we have and let him run the show. We’re not in control anyway.

About the second week of October, I got a phone call from the Mother of a friend. This friend had committed Suicide several years earlier but his Mom and I kept in contact. She had heard that something was going on with me and called to check up. We talked for a while and she tried to comfort me like a Mother would. Towards the end of our conversation, she asked me if I was looking for work. I said yes, but that I hadn’t gotten any phone calls yet. God moved here, and began leading me to the next stage of my journey. She told me that she worked at a company called Visionworks and that they had a store in E-town. She said that her coworker had just transferred back to the store in Etown from Lexington to help run the lens lab. She gave me his name and told me I should track him down to see if they needed any help.

I listened. Within a couple of days I took a cab into town, went to JC Penney’s, bought some interview worthy clothes and went over to Visionworks. When I walked in, I asked for Andrew.  When he came out to greet me, I told him who had sent me and what I was looking for. He told me that unfortunately they weren’t looking for anyone in the lab and that I was welcome to put in an application. I just felt like I had struck another dead end. I offered to fill out the app though and took a seat in the store to begin filling in the blanks. What happened next was nothing short of God whispering loudly to me. I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but all I can tell you is God used another staff member at the store to let me know I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one that had been down a similar path. This staff member shared THEIR story with me and that it does get better. I remember leaving the store knowing God was at work.

After just a few days, I got a call to come back in for an interview. Active Alcoholism can make a person extremely nervous, even when their BAC is zero. Years’ worth of that drug coursing through my veins had my nerves, self-confidence and stability shot. I made it through the interview, but barely. A few days later, I got the call. I had been hired. On October 26^th, 2013, I reported for my first day at Visionworks. God had lead me to a full-time job. Not only did he lead me to a job, but they offered me a management position as an Asst. Manager. I had NO retail, Sales or Medical experience but God was providing. Through the guilt, shame and remorse I began to move forward, all the while still drinking at Mom’s on my off time. I am so grateful for several members of that staff today that learned my story, put their arms around me and loved me, when I didn’t know how, or even want to love myself. If any of those folks are reading this, please know that you have a VERY special place in my heart and I am so grateful for each of you.

By the end of October, the Divorce Papers came. I can’t describe the feeling of seeing the words “marriage” and “dissolution” in the same sentence. 9 years of two combined lives had come down to a few signatures. I signed the paperwork quickly. Not because I was anxious to end it, but because I felt so guilty about who I was and what I had done that I didn’t want to hinder anyone any longer. I felt that my Alcoholism had destroyed my marriage. As I stated before, much of what happened in my first marriage was my fault, but I know today, it wasn’t all my fault. Then, I took the guilt on full force and used it as an excuse to keep drinking and numbing the pain. This is part of my testimony, and I can’t deny that today.

Alcoholism, specifically the Alcoholic behavior has been responsible for countless divorces across time. This is specifically a major issue in Law Enforcement. It’s not just me saying that, look it up yourself. Check out the data. I didn’t take it seriously before.

Slowly, the Holidays approached. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  I made it through it. It was tough, thinking about where I should’ve been, what life had been like a year prior. What I had given away. Work was busy and the days began to fly by quicker than I imagined. Throughout much of this time period, I used the same vices to fill the void and numb the pain. I inspected the metaphorical rear view mirror with a microscope. I was still hitting meetings but I wasn’t taking Recovery seriously at all. The thought that kept creeping up was that everyone that had anything bad to say about me was right. I deserved every word, every negative thought. I’ve often said that for me, it was like being stoned or burned at the stake. Except in my eyes, I was somehow stepping forward from the crows and throwing the largest stone or being the one to light the match that started the fire. The pain was deep. I was employed, yes. I had a roof over my head, yes. But I saw no hope, no future, no right to success. I can recall with crystal clear perception sitting on my Mother’s couch on New Year’s Eve 2013-2014. I was alone in the apartment with the lights off, drunk, again. As I watched the ball drop in NYC, I prayed a silent prayer that God would somehow open the doors to make 2014 better than 2013. I remember thinking about what life was like exactly one year prior at that moment. I had come home about 20 mins prior to midnight from a patrol shift. My ex and I had gotten into an argument about my Alcohol consumption. The countdown came, midnight approached and that was it. 2013 was in the books. I couldn’t rewrite the year and its events. All I had was what was in front of me. Accepting that was harder than just watching days pass on a calendar. No matter how control I wanted to have, I had nothing. Where was God leading me? What could I do? Where was it I was going to go. I had absolutely no clue at all.

Now everybody stands up
The congregation sings
It's a song of sweet forgiveness
And as the chorus rings
The wind blows clear my memory
The pages start to turn
And suddenly I'm seeing
The moment that I learn

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

“One of these days”-Tim Mcgraw

So much of 2014 is a blur today. So much happened in my life during 2014 both Personally and Professionally. God moved and moved larger, faster and more obvious that I ever could’ve imagined. There were trials but God used every single one of those days, moments and experiences to draw me nearer and closer to him. I’ve heard the phrase, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Well, I had to have made God laugh and laugh and laugh some more. By the middle of January, the divorce from my ex had finalized. I was getting through day after day in the same cycle. Work, mom’s, drink, wash, rinse, repeat. I began to accept that my future was going to be up to me. I knew that no one was going to stop me from going anywhere I wanted to go or doing anything I wanted to do. So, what did I plan on doing? I decided I should a consider back to Georgia with my company. Shortly after I started with Visionworks, I found out that they were opening new stores in Macon and Warner Robins. Sounded like a God sent message. With that in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to get my 2 other DUI cases resolved before I could move back. I kept working, going to meetings (while still drinking. Like that was effective.) and plugging along.

By the end of January, the case involving the Patrol Car crash dispositioned. I can’t express how grateful I am to the court system in Houston County for not locking me away and throwing away the keys. While I’m grateful for the courts, I do remember my attorney telling me that it would’ve been worse if I had still lived there. Basically, it felt like the sentence I received was an exchange for me to “stay away.” It still made sense. I’m not sure I would’ve wanted me around either at the time. Along with the year probation, I received 10 days to serve in jail. I recall my thought process as the attorney gave me the information over the phone. I was so afraid I would have to go back to Houston County, back into the same jail that I found myself in a few months earlier. My heart and mind began to race. “No.” The judge allowed me to serve those 10 days, individually, across a 60 Day time frame, here, in Hardin County. I had some business to handle, but it could be worse. I still had the last DUI to clear, but I knew it had to be one step at a time. I scheduled those 10 days and waited on the formal disposition.

By the time February rolled around, I was well into the pattern of what I knew life was like, at least for the moment. So much was missing. So much that I had thrown away, I didn’t even know how to replace. I had a church I was attending, I had stable work, a roof over my head, a family that was still supporting me, but the guilt, shame and remorse barreled on. So, did the drinking. I still couldn’t grasp what life would be like without Alcohol. It had been my comforter, consoler, healer and friend for several years. When everyone else left, it was still there, ready and waiting to cover the pain. Everything I was hearing in the meetings was making sense, but somehow it didn’t apply to me. I had done too much, hurt too many people. Caused too much damage. Destroyed too many lives.

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

“Revelation”-Third Day

I was lonely and broken. I was going to work but didn’t have any life outside of work or even church. I didn’t have anyone I was hanging out with. It’s safe to say that my Alcoholic behavior had accomplished much of what I had hoped for. I was alone, with no one to bother me or hinder my drinking. I was safe to spend as much as I wanted, both money and time, on the drink of my choice. All I could think of was how I wanted it to be different. I didn’t deserve happiness though. I didn’t deserve true love again. I had thrown away what God had intended for me in every aspect. What happened next was a miracle. My Mother talked me into signing up for an online dating service. I still had plans to move back to Georgia, so I knew I didn’t want a relationship. My goal was to hopefully meet someone that just wanted to spend time together…. Famous…Last…..Words….

Kim and I met around the 3^rd week of February and the rest is History. I have known since the very first conversation she and I had that God was working and teaming us up for a reason. She was at a very similar place in her life as far as having to hit the metaphorical reset button and was experiencing a lot of the same emotions I was struggling with as well. Two wounded souls lost and drifting down the same River. I’ve stated to many people that I know God chose the exact time for a reason. If we had met any sooner than that moment, it would’ve been too early. If we had met any later, then it probably would’ve been too late. I thank God for Kim every day. If you would’ve told me the night we met that life would be like it is today, I wouldn’t have believed you. Kim was single, no kids and recently divorced and hurting. Just like I was. There was no accident in our meeting. The longer we’ve been together, the more I get to see what God has done, not only in my life, but in hers as well. As previously stated, God is all powerful, all knowing and he’s always on time. He’s still renewing, restoring and rebuilding. God is certainly in the restoration business. As I’ll share later, God used Kim in many ways to guide me in early Recovery. God doesn’t make mistakes and he doesn’t make junk.

I began serving my 10 day sentence for the Patrol Car Crash in Mid-February. I was able to choose 10 individual overnight stays at the Hardin County Detention Center. Those were selected based on my work schedule and I’m thankful my GM worked with me on those days. I would sign in at 7PM, do my time and be released at 7PM the next night. I resolved to myself that it was just “business” that had to be handled and that it was. Trust me, it’s not a great feeling to have the staff member that booked you in on a previous DUI see your name on the roster, look up, smile and say, “Welcome Back!” Funny in retrospect, not so flattering at the time. I began knocking those out one day at a time. I slept through most of them, but I was able to get some one on one time with God in during those days. Not many people have the fortune of having complete silence being apart of their day. In a balanced day, that silence is pivotal. Gives me time to talk with God without the “noise” of the world.

Just before Kim and I met, my Papaw had gotten extremely ill. He had fallen in November, in the middle of the night and struck his head in bathroom. That was when we realized he was struggling. Over the course of 4 months, I watched, as the Man that I respected the most, who raised me, began to struggle and slip away. Sundowners, a form of Dementia, had begun to take over. There were moments where he was himself and then there were moments when he didn’t know who we were, where he was or who he was. It was heart breaking. I felt so guilty about my choices in life and the disappointment I had caused my family. I hated the thought that he would pass with that being fresh on his mind. I was raised better. They expected better out of me. I expected better out of me and I’d never want to hurt Mamaw or Papaw. By February, his mind and body were fading and we found ourselves in the Hospital in London. At 88 years old, he had lived a long, happy and successful life. He served his country in WWII as a proud United States Marine. He and Mamaw were married a little over 65 years by this time. He had raised 2 children and 1 grandchild, me. He was an incredible Grandfather to my Cousin Ashton. His time was drawing near and we all knew it.

Kim had 1 opportunity to meet Papaw before he left us. On a Saturday morning in the middle of March, she, my Mother, and I rode down to London together. Papaws mind was foggy but there were times of clarity. I’ll never forget Papaw, motioning for me from his Hospital bed. He asked, “who’s that?” as he pointed at Kim. I said, “her name is Kim and she’s with me.” Sweetly he waved at Kim from a few feet away, “Hi Kim.” As he smiled. I know today that Papaw knew who she was and what she was about to mean to me, probably even more I knew at the time. I’m grateful they got to meet.

By the end of March, I was nearing the completion of those overnights at the jail. I was looking forward to leaving that place and hopefully never having to return. On the evening of March 26^th, 2014, my cell phone rang just as I was walking out the door to go check in. It was my Aunt. Papaw had taken a sudden turn for the worst and it looked like his time had come. I called Kim, in a panic. I knew I had to serve that night, I had no choice. We talked about the possibilities of the ride to London with Momma the next night. When we hung up, I knew that if she was there at the jail when I walked out the next night, where we were going and what was going on.

I signed in and as I was changing into that Orange Jumpsuit, I shared with one of the Detention Officers what was going on with my family. He said he would be praying for me and our family. I’m grateful for those prayers. Over the course of the next 24 hours, I prayed and prayed hard. I knew what was most likely going to happen in the next few days. I recall being angry with myself that Papaw was going to leave this world without knowing I was going to rise from the ashes of the destruction I had caused. I couldn’t stand the thought of his last thought of me being the person I had turned into. The person who had made so many decisions that were completely against what he had taught me. Then again, that’s boxing in God. I was thinking earthly and not heavenly in that time. I wrestled with a lot of emotions that night and during the next day. It was like trying to brace yourself to be struck by a freight train. By the time 7PM finally rolled around, I had a peace that I couldn’t explain. I knew, no matter what happened when I stepped out, that the worst case scenario was that Papaw was with Jesus. The flip side of that was that I might not have gotten a chance to say goodbye.

The radio echoed the familiar call: “Doors 528/529”, releasing one. I stepped out and walked down the hall. As I neared the front door, Kim rounded the corner and came into my view. “Oh no. We’re going to London aren’t we?” She nodded her head and I knew it was time. Papaw was hanging on but barely. That was a long trip to London, but we made it. As we pulled into the Hospital parking lot, my heart sank. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be feeling what I was feeling. Would a drink fix this? No. Not this time. This one was gonna have to be dealt with Sober. Looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. When we stepped out of the Elevator and on to the floor, I met my Aunt and few family members and friends in the foyer. We walked, together down the hall and to door of his hospital room. I was told it wasn’t going to be long before he made that journey. As I stepped into his room, I saw a man, that at one time was the strongest man I’ve ever known. Who I saw laying in that hospital bed was only the shell of the Man I loved so much. I knew that only part of him was there. I scanned over the wires, equipment and monitors that were tracking his status. Somehow, this Alcoholic began to speak some honest words. What was said in that room will stay between My Papaw, God and Me. I will tell you that I asked him to keep a watch out for those of us down here and that I knew I was going to need it. As I type this, I’m watching our son play on the floor. Between Papaw and a few others, I know their keeping their word.

The next morning, I watched as my Mamaw, his wife of over 65 years was brought in one last time. The love they shared can only be  described as “rare” and “they don’t make em like that anymore.” My heart broke for her, because anyone that knows my family will tell you that they were inseparable. Where you saw him, you saw here and he loved it that way. He was “her man” and that’s all there was to it. One thing we noticed as a family was that every time one of us would step in to speak with him, his heart rate would rise by about 15-20 BPM. This was, no kidding, every single time. He was there, he knew we were there, he heard us all and we all got a chance to say, “see ya later.”

On March 28^th, 2014 at approximately 1215, my Momma, my Aunt and I, had the honor to hold my Papaw’s hands as he took his final earthly breath left us to join the Lord and his loved ones in Heaven. I was always so nervous that I wouldn’t get a chance to be there with him. I was honored to have that opportunity. I’m grateful that I was there and I was sober. It was the first major event in a long time that I wasn’t drinking or thinking about when I was going to get drunk. Pay attention to this date. It’ll come up later in a really cool way. Remember, there is no such thing as coincidence.

There weren’t many people by this time that I knew I could still count on. Kim was quickly proving that she wasn’t going anywhere, even with my past in focus, but I really didn’t have anybody left to count on other than my family, and a pivotal part of that was gone. I’ve got a couple of guys in Georgia that have stayed with my through this journey. Ben Waller was and has been one of them. Ben was in London within 24 hours. It was the first time I had seen him since I left Georgia. He and Kim plotted together to surprise me and when he showed up at dinner the next night, it was like seeing a long lost brother. Ben, if you reading this bro, I know I’ve told you, but I don’t think you’ll understand what your friendship has meant to me and still means to me today. I’ve been told that an individual can count on one hand the number of close friends they have in a lifetime. I believe this to be true. God has blessed me with a couple of those. Scott Bowman, you know your another one.

Papaw’s service was held on my 28^th Birthday, March 31^st. I was humbled to share the day. The Laurel County Sheriff’s Office conducted traffic control and I think Papaw would’ve been so proud of that part. Papaw was a very non flashy person, but he always loved a clean, well taken care of vehicle. Everyone knew he was partial to GM products. As they placed his Casket in the back of that Cadillac for the escort out to Locust Grove Cemetery, I thought about the irony of what I was seeing. Mamaw and Papaw never bought much on credit. Everything they bought was purchased because it was needed and it was saved for. I remember thinking that I hoped he enjoyed that ride. It was proper. It was fitting. It was right.

That ride out to the cemetery felt like it took forever. Mamaw rode with us as Kim drove. One thing I do remember and that really touched me and I know touched Mamaw too, was how Kim was able to console Mamaw as we made that ride. Mamaw would begin to hyperventilate and Kim would reach over and hold her hand, sooth her and remind her to keep breathing. I think in the middle of all the chaos, God used that moment to show me the type of woman he had brought into my life. Mamaw still talks about that ride today.

Some of you are probably wondering why I’ve been so detailed about this portion of my journey. The reason is simple. God has shown me on more than one occasion in the last 3 ½ years that we don’t get to choose when people pass on. God doesn’t ask our permission for that kind of thing. Sometimes it’s sudden, sometimes it’s expected, sometimes it’s heart breaking and we don’t understand why. For an active Alcoholic, the thought process prevents you from being able to appreciate the time you had or still have with a loved one. It can mean the difference in peace vs. turmoil in the soul and acceptance vs. denial in many areas. I know that today. I wasted so much time drinking over things that didn’t matter while I could’ve been using that time to make memories. I’m at peace with that today though.

I wish I could say that I didn’t pick up another drink after this, but I can’t. I still had a little streak left of self-pity and self-loathing, but it wouldn’t be long before I finally accepted and moved on with the truth. I still couldn't be completely honest with myself, let alone anyone else.

I’ll address that more in “Surrender.”

Daddy never was the Cadillac kind
He said some things just glitter and shine
He taught us that love was the one thing money couldn't buy
Daddy never was the Cadillac kind

“Daddy Never Was The Cadillac Kind”-Confederate Railroad