"Revelation"

“Revelation”

                September came… and went. The air in the Bluegrass began to chill and I began to accept that I wasn’t going home. The seasonal change in temperature was a reminder that time was marching on and so was everyone else I knew. Without me. Looking back, I guess it was like emotionally treading water with an anchor attached to my feet. I was nearing the completion of my DUI Risk Reduction Course as well as the counseling sessions. I had a lot of legal fees I knew I was going to need to cover, not to mention I had 2 DUI’s in Georgia that had yet to disposition. Instead of going to treatment, I chose to look for work. So, I went down to the courthouse and was able to get a Kentucky State I.D. Card made. I can still remember how it felt so strange and so incredibly wrong to hold that ID in my hand. I didn’t want a Kentucky ID. I wanted to go home, back to Georgia. That’s where home was. But, in order to get my affairs in order, I had to have some ID just to pursue and accept any job.

I went down to the unemployment office and began to put in for any job that I thought would take me. I filled out more applications than I can ever remember filling out. It didn’t feel right. Law Enforcement and Public Safety was all I knew. So much of who I was rested itself behind that badge. The concept of identifying with any other job other than one in uniform raised my anxiety to an unbelievable level. I saw God leading people, places, things and events to me but it was impossible for me to separate that knowledge from the self-loathing, guilt, shame, remorse and fear that controlled most of every move I was making. Still, I was somehow able to submit my resume and job application for several local factories online and left the office. “Who would possibly want me?” “I’m just damaged goods at this point.” I was beginning to get used to taking a Taxi where I wanted to go so I waited for the cab to get to the unemployment. It began to rain. It was a cold rain. For some reason, I recall that vividly.

Day after day was running the same. Go to my classes, go to recovery meetings, hopefully go to CR, Church on Sunday. I even started going to a Men’s Group at Church on Sunday Night. The Men’s Group was going through a Men’s Study entitled “The Quest for Authentic Manhood.” God showed me a lot about myself even going through that course. What was missing, was the belief that I was supposed to and allowed to get better. I had written myself off too. Who was I get better? I didn’t deserve to be happy again. All this time, I was still drinking. So, any education I was receiving regarding Alcoholism or Addiction as well as what was so fractured in me, was being drowned by the Alcohol I was taking in.

Recovery meetings were going well even though I was still drinking. I didn’t realize at the time that seeds were being planted in my mind that would sprout and grow later. I heard several phrases that stuck. “Give time time.” “TIME=Things I Must Earn.” “My feelings are not facts.” That one stuck for sure. I had spent so much time in my life drinking over what my perception of what reality was. All the while not seeing that my drinking was altering and distorting what reality truly was.”

I remember one night while riding in a vehicle with an older member of the recovery community, I was asked, “What do you pray for when you pray?” This was an unusual question but I answered honestly. I began to detail how I submitted my requests to God. I was stopped mid-sentence. “Who do you think you are, God’s spiritual advisor?” That too was deep. For so many years I had begged God for this and for that. To responded to my requests with a yes. I realize looking back, that I never just asked God for his will to be done? I know today that it’s still okay for me to submit my requests to God and tell him what I’m struggling with but that in the same breath, I should submit my will to his will. That’s all he wants from us. To give up the control we think we have and let him run the show. We’re not in control anyway.

About the second week of October, I got a phone call from the Mother of a friend. This friend had committed Suicide several years earlier but his Mom and I kept in contact. She had heard that something was going on with me and called to check up. We talked for a while and she tried to comfort me like a Mother would. Towards the end of our conversation, she asked me if I was looking for work. I said yes, but that I hadn’t gotten any phone calls yet. God moved here, and began leading me to the next stage of my journey. She told me that she worked at a company called Visionworks and that they had a store in E-town. She said that her coworker had just transferred back to the store in Etown from Lexington to help run the lens lab. She gave me his name and told me I should track him down to see if they needed any help.

I listened. Within a couple of days I took a cab into town, went to JC Penney’s, bought some interview worthy clothes and went over to Visionworks. When I walked in, I asked for Andrew.  When he came out to greet me, I told him who had sent me and what I was looking for. He told me that unfortunately they weren’t looking for anyone in the lab and that I was welcome to put in an application. I just felt like I had struck another dead end. I offered to fill out the app though and took a seat in the store to begin filling in the blanks. What happened next was nothing short of God whispering loudly to me. I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but all I can tell you is God used another staff member at the store to let me know I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one that had been down a similar path. This staff member shared THEIR story with me and that it does get better. I remember leaving the store knowing God was at work.

After just a few days, I got a call to come back in for an interview. Active Alcoholism can make a person extremely nervous, even when their BAC is zero. Years’ worth of that drug coursing through my veins had my nerves, self-confidence and stability shot. I made it through the interview, but barely. A few days later, I got the call. I had been hired. On October 26^th, 2013, I reported for my first day at Visionworks. God had lead me to a full-time job. Not only did he lead me to a job, but they offered me a management position as an Asst. Manager. I had NO retail, Sales or Medical experience but God was providing. Through the guilt, shame and remorse I began to move forward, all the while still drinking at Mom’s on my off time. I am so grateful for several members of that staff today that learned my story, put their arms around me and loved me, when I didn’t know how, or even want to love myself. If any of those folks are reading this, please know that you have a VERY special place in my heart and I am so grateful for each of you.

By the end of October, the Divorce Papers came. I can’t describe the feeling of seeing the words “marriage” and “dissolution” in the same sentence. 9 years of two combined lives had come down to a few signatures. I signed the paperwork quickly. Not because I was anxious to end it, but because I felt so guilty about who I was and what I had done that I didn’t want to hinder anyone any longer. I felt that my Alcoholism had destroyed my marriage. As I stated before, much of what happened in my first marriage was my fault, but I know today, it wasn’t all my fault. Then, I took the guilt on full force and used it as an excuse to keep drinking and numbing the pain. This is part of my testimony, and I can’t deny that today.

Alcoholism, specifically the Alcoholic behavior has been responsible for countless divorces across time. This is specifically a major issue in Law Enforcement. It’s not just me saying that, look it up yourself. Check out the data. I didn’t take it seriously before.

Slowly, the Holidays approached. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  I made it through it. It was tough, thinking about where I should’ve been, what life had been like a year prior. What I had given away. Work was busy and the days began to fly by quicker than I imagined. Throughout much of this time period, I used the same vices to fill the void and numb the pain. I inspected the metaphorical rear view mirror with a microscope. I was still hitting meetings but I wasn’t taking Recovery seriously at all. The thought that kept creeping up was that everyone that had anything bad to say about me was right. I deserved every word, every negative thought. I’ve often said that for me, it was like being stoned or burned at the stake. Except in my eyes, I was somehow stepping forward from the crows and throwing the largest stone or being the one to light the match that started the fire. The pain was deep. I was employed, yes. I had a roof over my head, yes. But I saw no hope, no future, no right to success. I can recall with crystal clear perception sitting on my Mother’s couch on New Year’s Eve 2013-2014. I was alone in the apartment with the lights off, drunk, again. As I watched the ball drop in NYC, I prayed a silent prayer that God would somehow open the doors to make 2014 better than 2013. I remember thinking about what life was like exactly one year prior at that moment. I had come home about 20 mins prior to midnight from a patrol shift. My ex and I had gotten into an argument about my Alcohol consumption. The countdown came, midnight approached and that was it. 2013 was in the books. I couldn’t rewrite the year and its events. All I had was what was in front of me. Accepting that was harder than just watching days pass on a calendar. No matter how control I wanted to have, I had nothing. Where was God leading me? What could I do? Where was it I was going to go. I had absolutely no clue at all.

Now everybody stands up
The congregation sings
It's a song of sweet forgiveness
And as the chorus rings
The wind blows clear my memory
The pages start to turn
And suddenly I'm seeing
The moment that I learn

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

“One of these days”-Tim Mcgraw

So much of 2014 is a blur today. So much happened in my life during 2014 both Personally and Professionally. God moved and moved larger, faster and more obvious that I ever could’ve imagined. There were trials but God used every single one of those days, moments and experiences to draw me nearer and closer to him. I’ve heard the phrase, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Well, I had to have made God laugh and laugh and laugh some more. By the middle of January, the divorce from my ex had finalized. I was getting through day after day in the same cycle. Work, mom’s, drink, wash, rinse, repeat. I began to accept that my future was going to be up to me. I knew that no one was going to stop me from going anywhere I wanted to go or doing anything I wanted to do. So, what did I plan on doing? I decided I should a consider back to Georgia with my company. Shortly after I started with Visionworks, I found out that they were opening new stores in Macon and Warner Robins. Sounded like a God sent message. With that in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to get my 2 other DUI cases resolved before I could move back. I kept working, going to meetings (while still drinking. Like that was effective.) and plugging along.

By the end of January, the case involving the Patrol Car crash dispositioned. I can’t express how grateful I am to the court system in Houston County for not locking me away and throwing away the keys. While I’m grateful for the courts, I do remember my attorney telling me that it would’ve been worse if I had still lived there. Basically, it felt like the sentence I received was an exchange for me to “stay away.” It still made sense. I’m not sure I would’ve wanted me around either at the time. Along with the year probation, I received 10 days to serve in jail. I recall my thought process as the attorney gave me the information over the phone. I was so afraid I would have to go back to Houston County, back into the same jail that I found myself in a few months earlier. My heart and mind began to race. “No.” The judge allowed me to serve those 10 days, individually, across a 60 Day time frame, here, in Hardin County. I had some business to handle, but it could be worse. I still had the last DUI to clear, but I knew it had to be one step at a time. I scheduled those 10 days and waited on the formal disposition.

By the time February rolled around, I was well into the pattern of what I knew life was like, at least for the moment. So much was missing. So much that I had thrown away, I didn’t even know how to replace. I had a church I was attending, I had stable work, a roof over my head, a family that was still supporting me, but the guilt, shame and remorse barreled on. So, did the drinking. I still couldn’t grasp what life would be like without Alcohol. It had been my comforter, consoler, healer and friend for several years. When everyone else left, it was still there, ready and waiting to cover the pain. Everything I was hearing in the meetings was making sense, but somehow it didn’t apply to me. I had done too much, hurt too many people. Caused too much damage. Destroyed too many lives.

My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

“Revelation”-Third Day

I was lonely and broken. I was going to work but didn’t have any life outside of work or even church. I didn’t have anyone I was hanging out with. It’s safe to say that my Alcoholic behavior had accomplished much of what I had hoped for. I was alone, with no one to bother me or hinder my drinking. I was safe to spend as much as I wanted, both money and time, on the drink of my choice. All I could think of was how I wanted it to be different. I didn’t deserve happiness though. I didn’t deserve true love again. I had thrown away what God had intended for me in every aspect. What happened next was a miracle. My Mother talked me into signing up for an online dating service. I still had plans to move back to Georgia, so I knew I didn’t want a relationship. My goal was to hopefully meet someone that just wanted to spend time together…. Famous…Last…..Words….

Kim and I met around the 3^rd week of February and the rest is History. I have known since the very first conversation she and I had that God was working and teaming us up for a reason. She was at a very similar place in her life as far as having to hit the metaphorical reset button and was experiencing a lot of the same emotions I was struggling with as well. Two wounded souls lost and drifting down the same River. I’ve stated to many people that I know God chose the exact time for a reason. If we had met any sooner than that moment, it would’ve been too early. If we had met any later, then it probably would’ve been too late. I thank God for Kim every day. If you would’ve told me the night we met that life would be like it is today, I wouldn’t have believed you. Kim was single, no kids and recently divorced and hurting. Just like I was. There was no accident in our meeting. The longer we’ve been together, the more I get to see what God has done, not only in my life, but in hers as well. As previously stated, God is all powerful, all knowing and he’s always on time. He’s still renewing, restoring and rebuilding. God is certainly in the restoration business. As I’ll share later, God used Kim in many ways to guide me in early Recovery. God doesn’t make mistakes and he doesn’t make junk.

I began serving my 10 day sentence for the Patrol Car Crash in Mid-February. I was able to choose 10 individual overnight stays at the Hardin County Detention Center. Those were selected based on my work schedule and I’m thankful my GM worked with me on those days. I would sign in at 7PM, do my time and be released at 7PM the next night. I resolved to myself that it was just “business” that had to be handled and that it was. Trust me, it’s not a great feeling to have the staff member that booked you in on a previous DUI see your name on the roster, look up, smile and say, “Welcome Back!” Funny in retrospect, not so flattering at the time. I began knocking those out one day at a time. I slept through most of them, but I was able to get some one on one time with God in during those days. Not many people have the fortune of having complete silence being apart of their day. In a balanced day, that silence is pivotal. Gives me time to talk with God without the “noise” of the world.

Just before Kim and I met, my Papaw had gotten extremely ill. He had fallen in November, in the middle of the night and struck his head in bathroom. That was when we realized he was struggling. Over the course of 4 months, I watched, as the Man that I respected the most, who raised me, began to struggle and slip away. Sundowners, a form of Dementia, had begun to take over. There were moments where he was himself and then there were moments when he didn’t know who we were, where he was or who he was. It was heart breaking. I felt so guilty about my choices in life and the disappointment I had caused my family. I hated the thought that he would pass with that being fresh on his mind. I was raised better. They expected better out of me. I expected better out of me and I’d never want to hurt Mamaw or Papaw. By February, his mind and body were fading and we found ourselves in the Hospital in London. At 88 years old, he had lived a long, happy and successful life. He served his country in WWII as a proud United States Marine. He and Mamaw were married a little over 65 years by this time. He had raised 2 children and 1 grandchild, me. He was an incredible Grandfather to my Cousin Ashton. His time was drawing near and we all knew it.

Kim had 1 opportunity to meet Papaw before he left us. On a Saturday morning in the middle of March, she, my Mother, and I rode down to London together. Papaws mind was foggy but there were times of clarity. I’ll never forget Papaw, motioning for me from his Hospital bed. He asked, “who’s that?” as he pointed at Kim. I said, “her name is Kim and she’s with me.” Sweetly he waved at Kim from a few feet away, “Hi Kim.” As he smiled. I know today that Papaw knew who she was and what she was about to mean to me, probably even more I knew at the time. I’m grateful they got to meet.

By the end of March, I was nearing the completion of those overnights at the jail. I was looking forward to leaving that place and hopefully never having to return. On the evening of March 26^th, 2014, my cell phone rang just as I was walking out the door to go check in. It was my Aunt. Papaw had taken a sudden turn for the worst and it looked like his time had come. I called Kim, in a panic. I knew I had to serve that night, I had no choice. We talked about the possibilities of the ride to London with Momma the next night. When we hung up, I knew that if she was there at the jail when I walked out the next night, where we were going and what was going on.

I signed in and as I was changing into that Orange Jumpsuit, I shared with one of the Detention Officers what was going on with my family. He said he would be praying for me and our family. I’m grateful for those prayers. Over the course of the next 24 hours, I prayed and prayed hard. I knew what was most likely going to happen in the next few days. I recall being angry with myself that Papaw was going to leave this world without knowing I was going to rise from the ashes of the destruction I had caused. I couldn’t stand the thought of his last thought of me being the person I had turned into. The person who had made so many decisions that were completely against what he had taught me. Then again, that’s boxing in God. I was thinking earthly and not heavenly in that time. I wrestled with a lot of emotions that night and during the next day. It was like trying to brace yourself to be struck by a freight train. By the time 7PM finally rolled around, I had a peace that I couldn’t explain. I knew, no matter what happened when I stepped out, that the worst case scenario was that Papaw was with Jesus. The flip side of that was that I might not have gotten a chance to say goodbye.

The radio echoed the familiar call: “Doors 528/529”, releasing one. I stepped out and walked down the hall. As I neared the front door, Kim rounded the corner and came into my view. “Oh no. We’re going to London aren’t we?” She nodded her head and I knew it was time. Papaw was hanging on but barely. That was a long trip to London, but we made it. As we pulled into the Hospital parking lot, my heart sank. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be feeling what I was feeling. Would a drink fix this? No. Not this time. This one was gonna have to be dealt with Sober. Looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. When we stepped out of the Elevator and on to the floor, I met my Aunt and few family members and friends in the foyer. We walked, together down the hall and to door of his hospital room. I was told it wasn’t going to be long before he made that journey. As I stepped into his room, I saw a man, that at one time was the strongest man I’ve ever known. Who I saw laying in that hospital bed was only the shell of the Man I loved so much. I knew that only part of him was there. I scanned over the wires, equipment and monitors that were tracking his status. Somehow, this Alcoholic began to speak some honest words. What was said in that room will stay between My Papaw, God and Me. I will tell you that I asked him to keep a watch out for those of us down here and that I knew I was going to need it. As I type this, I’m watching our son play on the floor. Between Papaw and a few others, I know their keeping their word.

The next morning, I watched as my Mamaw, his wife of over 65 years was brought in one last time. The love they shared can only be  described as “rare” and “they don’t make em like that anymore.” My heart broke for her, because anyone that knows my family will tell you that they were inseparable. Where you saw him, you saw here and he loved it that way. He was “her man” and that’s all there was to it. One thing we noticed as a family was that every time one of us would step in to speak with him, his heart rate would rise by about 15-20 BPM. This was, no kidding, every single time. He was there, he knew we were there, he heard us all and we all got a chance to say, “see ya later.”

On March 28^th, 2014 at approximately 1215, my Momma, my Aunt and I, had the honor to hold my Papaw’s hands as he took his final earthly breath left us to join the Lord and his loved ones in Heaven. I was always so nervous that I wouldn’t get a chance to be there with him. I was honored to have that opportunity. I’m grateful that I was there and I was sober. It was the first major event in a long time that I wasn’t drinking or thinking about when I was going to get drunk. Pay attention to this date. It’ll come up later in a really cool way. Remember, there is no such thing as coincidence.

There weren’t many people by this time that I knew I could still count on. Kim was quickly proving that she wasn’t going anywhere, even with my past in focus, but I really didn’t have anybody left to count on other than my family, and a pivotal part of that was gone. I’ve got a couple of guys in Georgia that have stayed with my through this journey. Ben Waller was and has been one of them. Ben was in London within 24 hours. It was the first time I had seen him since I left Georgia. He and Kim plotted together to surprise me and when he showed up at dinner the next night, it was like seeing a long lost brother. Ben, if you reading this bro, I know I’ve told you, but I don’t think you’ll understand what your friendship has meant to me and still means to me today. I’ve been told that an individual can count on one hand the number of close friends they have in a lifetime. I believe this to be true. God has blessed me with a couple of those. Scott Bowman, you know your another one.

Papaw’s service was held on my 28^th Birthday, March 31^st. I was humbled to share the day. The Laurel County Sheriff’s Office conducted traffic control and I think Papaw would’ve been so proud of that part. Papaw was a very non flashy person, but he always loved a clean, well taken care of vehicle. Everyone knew he was partial to GM products. As they placed his Casket in the back of that Cadillac for the escort out to Locust Grove Cemetery, I thought about the irony of what I was seeing. Mamaw and Papaw never bought much on credit. Everything they bought was purchased because it was needed and it was saved for. I remember thinking that I hoped he enjoyed that ride. It was proper. It was fitting. It was right.

That ride out to the cemetery felt like it took forever. Mamaw rode with us as Kim drove. One thing I do remember and that really touched me and I know touched Mamaw too, was how Kim was able to console Mamaw as we made that ride. Mamaw would begin to hyperventilate and Kim would reach over and hold her hand, sooth her and remind her to keep breathing. I think in the middle of all the chaos, God used that moment to show me the type of woman he had brought into my life. Mamaw still talks about that ride today.

Some of you are probably wondering why I’ve been so detailed about this portion of my journey. The reason is simple. God has shown me on more than one occasion in the last 3 ½ years that we don’t get to choose when people pass on. God doesn’t ask our permission for that kind of thing. Sometimes it’s sudden, sometimes it’s expected, sometimes it’s heart breaking and we don’t understand why. For an active Alcoholic, the thought process prevents you from being able to appreciate the time you had or still have with a loved one. It can mean the difference in peace vs. turmoil in the soul and acceptance vs. denial in many areas. I know that today. I wasted so much time drinking over things that didn’t matter while I could’ve been using that time to make memories. I’m at peace with that today though.

I wish I could say that I didn’t pick up another drink after this, but I can’t. I still had a little streak left of self-pity and self-loathing, but it wouldn’t be long before I finally accepted and moved on with the truth. I still couldn't be completely honest with myself, let alone anyone else.

I’ll address that more in “Surrender.”

Daddy never was the Cadillac kind
He said some things just glitter and shine
He taught us that love was the one thing money couldn't buy
Daddy never was the Cadillac kind

“Daddy Never Was The Cadillac Kind”-Confederate Railroad