"Surrender"

“Surrender”

March 8th, 2017

                And just like that, Papaw was gone. The man that I had admired, followed, and looked up to my entire life was gone. I knew it was his time and I knew how lucky and blessed we had all been for having him as long as we did. I just kept thinking what a disappointment I was to him and everyone else I knew. My life as I knew it had imploded just 7 Months prior and I was not the Man I wanted or needed to be when he passed. All I could think was that maybe God allows those that move on before us to keep the watch until we too are called up. Either way, the guilt, shame and feelings of worthlessness persisted even when I knew God was working on my behalf.

                Before Papaw passed on, I had already scheduled a weekend off from work in April. Kim and I had talked and she agreed it was time for me to make that first trip back to Georgia. It was Dad’s Birthday Weekend too. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was anxious to get back, I think in part because even though my actions brought the exile and separation from everything I knew, I didn’t actively choose to leave it all behind and run away. At least, that’s not what I meant to do but because of my choices, that’s what happened. I knew that until I went back on my own, there was no way I had any shot of beginning to heal. There were people I had spoken to, that were still rooting for me, but there were also people that I hadn’t spoken to that I had hurt, angered, damaged and disappointed. I knew they didn’t want to see me and I was nervous to see some of them. I knew it was time though. I wanted Kim to meet a few members of my family. I wanted to her to meet a few people that had stayed with me and supported me on this ride. I wanted her to see and know what it was like before I wound up in E-town. It was sorda like 2 world’s colliding during this trip. Life after September 1^st, 2013 meets life before September 1^st, 2013.

                I had made that 400-mile ride on countless occasions over 10 years. Every time I made that ride, I knew I’d be coming back through headed back home. I knew I-75 in Georgia so well that I knew exactly what exits to hit for the restaurants, gas stations and easy entrance and exits. I knew when to leave to miss Atlanta traffic and I could time it down to the minute usually that I would be home. This time was different. This time I was making that ride in as a visitor, as a stranger, as someone who wasn’t sure if I’d be received or not. Crossing that State Line in Chattanooga brought an emotion I’d never experienced. I remember sighing deeply as we passed the Dalton exits. “Georgia State Patrol Post, Next Right”. That blue highway sign stood out just like it was supposed to. Kim looked over at me and asked, “you okay?” “Yeah” I replied. Inside I was trembling. Slowly, we made our way down I-75 and into Metro Atlanta where I had spent almost 3 years patrolling as a rookie Trooper. So many flash backs of crashes investigated, cars stopped, pursuits, etc. As we neared Macon, I felt my stomach churn. This was the home stretch.  When I’d left town 7 months prior, I-75 in Macon was still a construction zone. That work was completed. Another sign of time marching on.  I-75 South to I-16 east, then the exit on to Spring Street. I thought I was going to vomit. Not because I didn’t want to be, “home” but because I was so afraid I wasn’t wanted back. Finally, the right turn from GA State Route 22 on to GA State Route 49 and another 25 minutes down the road.

“Welcome to Baldwin County. Georgia’s Lake Country.”

I was home. I was back in the County that I had called home for most of the last 10 years. Memories flooded back to a point that it was almost overwhelming. 4 more miles and we’d be in my Dad and Step-Momma’s driveway. This was the meeting I probably dreaded the most. At this point, I still didn’t fully grasp why I had made some of the decisions I had made. I knew I was sorry. I knew I was remorseful, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to explain the “why?” factor. I still didn’t really know myself. I had a lot of guilt over my relationship with my Dad and family. Dad was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung & Brain Cancer in September of 2011 while I was still stationed in Atlanta. Within a year, Dad had gone blind from the treatment.

 The Patrol had allowed me to transfer to the Perry post after he was diagnosed. Unfortunately, Alcohol was already running most of my life in full force. I’d wasted most of my last 2 years in the Milledgeville area. Instead of fully utilizing the time I had left with Dad, I’d let it slip away. When my crash happened, it didn’t take long for that fact to catch up to me. Walking in to see him, I hated the thought of the disappointment I had brought to him and our family line. At the time, I was 3^rd Generation Law Enforcement. Almost every male in our family line was in active law enforcement or had served at some point.

It was good to see Dad and Vickie. Kim got to meet Dad & Vickie and the visit went well. As Dad and I talked, I do remember him telling me that he forgave me for my actions and that he was proud for me for trying to move forward in finding work and getting my own place again. He did go further as he told me that he forgave me before I even made those choices. I still couldn’t think of how to explain why I had done what I had done. Nothing could explain it, and I still couldn’t process forgiving myself. He and I shared some more that’ll stay between us but as we left Dad’s to begin the ride home, Dad told me that he was glad we’d had a good trip but that I needed to put that place behind me for a while. That hurt. I knew exactly why he was telling me that and I left, knowing that he understood a little better and more than I thought he did. He was right in his parting words to me. Part of me didn’t want to leave, but that trip needed to happen. I’m grateful for it today. I was able to spend some time with some folks that stayed with me and believed in me through my journey. Those folks know who they are but will never truly understand how much I appreciate each of them. Their support helped carry me through when I didn’t feel like anyone believed in me anymore. Thanks to those in Milledgeville, Warner Robins and Perry. This guy felt a lot better at the time when I saw each of you.

A couple of short days and we headed back north to Kentucky. I had no clue how long it would be before I would make it back again. I knew I wouldn’t be driving anytime soon so I had no idea. Life returned to work, home and the new version of my daily life. The relationship between Kim and I was becoming deeper and I knew that God had placed someone very special in my life for a reason. Even with that being said, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of shame, guilt and remorse that was ingrained into my heart, soul and memory. I just couldn’t believe that I deserved to get better, move on, grow and most of all feel peace. I continued to drink occasionally throughout the spring and Summer of 2014, all the while still attending recovery meetings several times a week. I can remember sitting in a Recovery meeting sometime during the Spring of 2014. I remember sharing how dark I still felt and that how much I still hated decisions I had made. The group chairman turned to me and said, “Tyler, do you believe that God has forgiven you?’ This was an easy answer. I certainly did. I never doubted that. It was my concern that I didn’t deserve happiness here on Earth. That I had given away certain aspects of who I was that I couldn’t ever get back, but I answered, “of course.” He responded quickly. “Then who are you to question God’s standard of Forgiveness?”

Maybe that was it. Maybe it wasn’t God’s forgiveness I was seeking. It was trying to figure out how to forgive myself for the pattern of reckless behavior. In order to do that, I had to understand why so many of those choices had occurred. That night though, was another step in right direction. I left that meeting thinking about that brief exchange. Another seed had been planted.

After that night, I knew I needed to start to try to sober up. Nothing was changing because I wasn’t changing. The thought process was the same because I wasn’t allowing my mind to change. I was stuck in the same insanity filled cycle. The next couple of months brought some tough nights though. I was torn between knowing what I needed to do and feeling undeserving of what was possibly on the other side. I had always heard that when an Alcoholic or Addict first gets Sober, the first thing to return is all the Emotions. All of the dark, ugly truth that I had been trying to numb for several years.  It wasn’t long and I began making same choices that caused Kim to see the drunk in me too. Before I knew it, I was doing several of the same things I was doing in Georgia. I would drink alone in the day, lie about drinking and hope she didn’t smell it or pick up on the behavior. I got to a point where I was hiding Alcohol in my apartment again. I shake my head when I read the sentence I just typed because it was the exact definition of insanity. Geographical Location was making no difference in the results of the same choices I was making. Kentucky or Georgia, it didn’t matter. Same choices=Same Consequences. Same empty feeling of uselessness.

On the other side of the coin was what was going on with my Momma. It is not my place today to tell Mom’s story. Part of her story though is woven with mine. All I can say is that for over 35 years my Mother fought her own Demons. At this time in 2014, Momma was actively drinking and was very open about doing so. I had been spending a lot of time with her and she was always a safe place to turn to when I wanted to hear what I “wanted” to hear at the time. This didn’t mean it was “right” thing though. I never once have doubted that Momma loved me which is why one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make was distancing myself from those who were choosing not to support Sobriety. I came to a point where I finally admitted to myself that I was too weak to spend time around anyone who was actively drinking. Problem was Momma wasn’t staying sober at all. She was choosing her lifestyle and I was inching towards choosing a different one for me.

Kim had been patient with me but was beginning to lose that ability and rightfully so. I was gaining 30-60 days of Sobriety and then choosing to pick up another drink. Usually it was based on the same old excuse of something gone wrong in life that I chose to drink over. It was definitely not turning my will and my life over to God. That was still just beyond my willingness. My last major drinking episode was a night in September of 2014. I wound up at my Mother’s one night. That night in particular could’ve been the trap door at the bottom of the hole I had already made for myself. All I can say, is God allowed me to get through that night without harming myself or going to jail again. If your reading this and this part of my testimony is speaking to you, then you can probably fill in the blanks with how you can relate to this night in my story. I woke up at about 3:00AM that next morning at my Mothers. I was heart-broken, tired of living the same way and ready to give up on myself in every way, just like many others had. I felt truly powerless, cold, empty and alone.

I picked up my phone and dialed Kim’s number. I assumed initially that she was going to be finished with me too. I wouldn’t have blamed her. Anyone else would have. To my surprise, she answered and said she was on her way. That night, I didn’t sleep much after that. When I got home, I cried, I prayed, I begged God to take this weight from me. Anything had to be better than the life I was living, the pain I was feeling and the continual sense that I was never going to be enough. I didn’t want to hurt and I didn’t want to hurt other people anymore. I asked God to deliver me from the cycle or take me from this world. I knew that I couldn’t do it by myself any longer.

The next morning, I woke up with a resolve. A resolve that I was willing to try. A resolve that I didn’t want to live like I had been living. That I didn’t want to try to do it on my own anymore. I made a commitment to God that I would try to listen and for once in my life, accept the help that had been around me for far too long. I knew I had good things and good people in my life. I knew that God had shown me he was running the show in multiple ways. Again, I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. I chose to accept that God intended more for more than the condemnation I had sentenced myself to. I chose to try to believe that God not only loved me, forgave me for my mistakes and not only that, but that he also wasn’t finished with me here on Earth either. I knew I didn’t want to die, I knew I just felt like I deserved to.

Over the course of the next 4 weeks, I hit my meetings, I used my phone to call someone in the Recovery community when I was struggling. I attempted to avoid time alone, I prayed and I tried to avoid the triggers that I knew caused me to think about picking up another drink. I knew it was going to take feeling the pain, dealing with the truth and trying to keep the focus on the windshield instead of the rear-view mirror. That was because, even though the rear view was small, there was SO MUCH in it. Even with that, I knew God was working and had put people, places, things and events in my life in his timing.

On October 14^th, 2014, I made that choice to pick up that drink one last time. Something triggered a memory. The memory triggered a line and a pattern of thoughts. The thoughts brought emotions and LIES. Instead of picking up the phone and calling someone, I reverted back to what didn’t work. As a matter of fact, Alcohol never really worked at all. It just put a temporary band aid on what could only heal with the love of Christ. In addition, I noticed, that this time was different. The effect that I chased for so long was nowhere to be found. I just remember thinking, "Why am I doing this?"

Kim came home and it didn’t take long that she picked up on what was going on. Luckily, I wasn’t absolutely trashed.  Instead of leaving, she called my Sponsor and he was at the house within minutes. We talked, we prayed and I asked forgiveness right there in that spot for not only that day but doubting God at all. I asked God to guide me, lead me and direct my steps on a daily basis and to help me somehow not look at such a picture. I asked him to help me keep it simple and accept Sobriety and everything that came with it, one day at a time. I finally Surrendered.....

With that said, I have been fortunate enough to be given a daily reprieve from a seemingly hopeless state of mind, heart and soul, one day at a time, October 15^th, 2014. I am eternally grateful for that day

Beginning with that Day, God began spelling out so much truth to me. For me, my Testimony was and is only beginning. The blessings that followed have been so powerful. The trials that have followed have been tackle with a Sober mind and Body. Some days have been easy, some have been hard, but every day has been dealt with, not on my own, but by turning to the Lord.

Up until now, I’ve tried to spell out, “What is was like & What happened.” I have the privilege of sharing with you from this point forward, what it has been like, walking in Sobriety. God was only preparing me for the Business I still had to do with him. God only work in truth. The field had to be ready for the Truth to harvest. It was time to handle business.

I’ll begin that in the next blog entitled “Steps”

Today I did something
I never thought I'd do
The choice, wasn't easy
But I had to
All the years together
All those cold lonely nights
I never thought I'd be strong enough
To leave it all behind
Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

Well it won't be easy
But it's never easy
When you let down
The one you love
There's someone at home
Who needs me
So I'm givin' up
She always knew the truth
Never left my side
Man a love like that
Only comes once in a life
So today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine

My hands were shakin'
And my knees were weak
As I poured my last shot
And I drank my last drink.
And I heard freedom ring
When that bottle hit the floor
And I just walked away
Not needing any more

Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.

“An Old Friend Of Mine”-Joe Nichols