"Steps"

“Steps”

March 14^th, 2017

Webster’s Dictionary defines “Sober” as: “1. Not addicted to intoxicating drink, not drunk. 2. Marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor.  3. Unhurried or calm. 4. Marked by temperance, moderation, seriousness or showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion or prejudice. All these were the complete and total opposite of how I knew to live life.

Stepping into Sobriety wasn’t just a challenge. It was having to learn how to respond instead of react to life. I had to learn how NOT react by numbing out or distancing myself from a situation that needed to be handled head on. I had to learn how not try to run the show on my own and I had to learn that God really did love me and that I did deserve to get better, move forward and heal. I had to learn that God had a plan and it wasn’t my job to be his associate planner or spiritual advisor. I had to learn to be submissive. I had to learn to be obedient to God’s call. I had to learn to be still and know, that God is God.

Days and weeks began to click by. I was still at Visionworks. I was still hitting meetings during the week and Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. I was trying to get a handle on what Sobriety was going to mean. My mind flashed backwards to something that I first heard in the rooms of AA. “give it several months before you even try to accept what Sobriety is going to feel like to your mind, body and spirit.” I had been out there drinking on a consistent basis and handling life the same way for at least 6 years. I wasn’t sure what Sober was really going to feel like. The question for me, not only was life going to be better but would there come a day where I could look at myself in the mirror and like who I saw looking back at me?

 By late October, I signed up for a “Men’s Step Study” through the Celebrate Recovery program. Anyone that is active in Recovery will tell you that not drinking is only the first step to true sobriety. If you are not hitting meetings and not talking with another recovering alcoholic on a daily basis, most likely you’ll experience a spiritual slip at bare minimum. The cornerstone of recovery are the “12 Steps.” The Step Study program allows the participants to complete the 12 steps, but with a Christ Centered focus. Please understand up front that I support both the CR program and AA. I believe God brings people to a place where they can handle business with him. That plan doesn’t always follow the exact same process from person to person. I know a lot of people that started in CR and I know a lot of people that have started in AA and participate in both CR and AA today. Recovery is just that. You get what you put in.

The prospect of finally working these steps didn’t scare me by this point. As a matter of fact, I remember being anxious to get started. I had put off handling that business with God for so long that by the time I finally became willing, I knew there was no other way than to saddle up get ready for the journey. When I first wound up in E-town, I got introduced to Recovery quickly, but it’s impossible to engage in Recovery while still actively drinking. I believed what I was hearing about my faults, failures and fractures but I was denying the truth of the Cross and what that meant for me. I was excluding myself from the love of Christ. I was telling Jesus that I didn’t qualify for his sacrifice, his love, his grace, his gift, his salvation for me. I was ready. God had brought me to a place where I knew that come what may, it was time to face the truth.

As I move through my journey in working the steps and the events that occurred during that time period, I want to list the Celebrate Recovery Version of the step(s) and also the secular version of the step(s) as well, if different. To me, both versions are the same, just worded a little differently. I can honestly say that finally working these steps not only brought me closer to the Lord, but I was finally able to take a long, hard look in the mirror and deal with the man looking back at me. I also know today that for every decision we make as humans, there is a reason. Right, wrong or indifferent, there is a reason. Somewhere at some point in our lives, we were influenced by a person, place, thing or event that affected our decision making on whatever issue may be at hand. Everyone’s journey is different. That’s for sure.

Our step study met on the first Friday in December. I can honestly say that the bond that we men in that group formed throughout the process is unbreakable. I’m thankful each one of their names and faces along with their experience, strength and hope. We lost a couple of guys along the way and wish them well but at the end of the process, a core group of us remained. It is safe to say, that this Step Study was and still one of the most powerful spiritual walks and experiences I have ever been a part of. I hope, as I share some basics about the steps of recovery that my experience helps someone. I also pray that the message doesn’t get lost in the words. I’ve chosen to be detailed in portions and vague in others for the same reasons I detailed at the beginning of these series of blogs. My story involves others. I have to cognizant of that. I have to be respectful of that while still communicating truth. The steps are worked in order for a particular reason. If any one person were to choose to journey through any of the steps out of order or skip one’s that may seem “too difficult” will most likely be left empty, cold and unsatisfied. The point is, one step at a time, with spiritual progress not perfection in mind.

1.       We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable (CR). / 1.  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable (AA).

Well, by the time I got to this point, this wasn’t even up for debate. I came into the Step Study openly admitting this. Actually, in retrospect, looking back, since I started drinking at age 18, I was never able to manage it or engage in “controlled drinking.” To me, that was a joke. My “drinking career” had progressed over time but it had also started in 5^th gear. It had taken me to a place where it wasn’t just about drinking too much and getting sick. I started there. Between ages 18-21 I drank sporadically but when I drank, it was always to get drunk. I knew, from an early age, that when I popped the top on that first one, I was searching for the same feeling I got when I drank before. The feeling of euphoria, calm, well-being, but most of all the empty void disappeared. I found that feeling early. Problem is, I seemed to always be chasing it. That chase brought destruction and all the wreckage along with it.

Along with wreckage lay the mistakes that came with intoxication. At least that what I thought they initially were. I would find out later that the intoxication just ripped open my soul along with all its defects, magnified them, distorted them and brought them to the surface. It has been said that Alcohol or whatever substance of choice is just a symptom of the deeper problem(s). I completely agree with that today. I’ll get to that later. But, yes, my life was unmanageable. Shoot, compared to a little over a year prior, it didn’t even exist in the same format anymore. The one I did have had been an emotional roller coaster because of my drinking now. I knew I was powerless on my own. I knew I had given away control long before. Yep, unmanageable. I was willing to admit that.

2.        We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity (CR & AA).

I do know that for some people, this very step is one of the hardest ones to get through. Some people struggle to understand how awesome and powerful God is.  Not as much for me. It was, but not for the same reasons that some people struggle here. It wasn’t that I was ever Atheist or that that I doubted God’s power. My hang up was that I didn’t believe I deserved redemption, peace, happiness or sanity. I didn’t deserve the love of Jesus Christ. I didn’t deserve to move forward, be productive or experience success again. I was tired of hurting and hurting other people but for far too long I got stuck at that place where I felt that a self-imposed sentence of condemnation was appropriate. That wasn’t working either though. I was still hurting others. It took a while, but God finally got my attention.

I knew that by this point, God was obviously showing me that it was I that had been trying to run the  show. He had shown me that it was “my plan” that allowed the events to unfold the way they had in my life. It was my own self-reliance and self-will that brought the destruction that haunted me so much. He had shown me that he was the only one that could run the show. No matter how well intentioned my plans were, they were doomed from the moment I chose not to allow him to take the lead.

I need to break here and share a major series of events that unfolded about the time that we were in the middle of working this step. This step is all about understanding that there is a power (God) who is greater than ourselves working for us and not against us. I do know today that we are just on God’s great canvass. We don’t see all the pieces or moving parts but each of us is being positioned and moved to exactly where God wants us to be as long as we don’t try to take the wheel.

God had to teach me a lesson in contentment when I was at Visionworks. That position provided exactly what I needed, when I needed it, while I needed it. God provided financial stability, the love and support of that crew along with the discipline I needed to begin stepping in the right direction. With all that being said, my heart wasn’t there. My heart was on the road. My heart was still in that Patrol Car. My heart was still on the radio calling in traffic stops. My Heart was in that uniform.

There lay the problem. I had spent so many years and so much time making my job the priority of my life. Even before I started working my steps, I knew that one major mistake I made as a Trooper, was trying to identify who I was by that Blue & Grey uniform instead of who’s I was. Instead of the Husband, Son and Friend I was supposed to be. God had to teach me to separate myself from my occupation. I know that was accomplished at Visionworks.  

On a cold night in early December I was on duty at Visionworks, working the closing shift. We were dead that night with no one else at the store. At approximately 7:00PM, a married couple walked through the front door and requested exams and frame styles. I vividly remember being annoyed at 1 hour before closing, we were going to be held over. I just wanted to finish up and go home. The couple moved through the exam process with the Doctor and were handed off to the floor for Framestyle. This is the frame/ lens choice and purchase process. There was 2 of us working on that side and I was the Junior Manager. Guess who got the files? Me.

I had no idea that the introduction that I was about to make would end up altering the course of events in my life. God’s timing is always perfect and nothing happens by coincidence. God is the great meeting maker and in this case, it was no exception.

“Dave and Karen Shaw.” I called their names. They seemed like a nice couple. I walked them through the framestyle process and we sat down to look at lenses. As I took care of their order, the couple and I got to talking. I found out that he worked for a trucking company as the General Manager and had been there for a long time. I shared with him my past work experience and the enforcement work with commercial vehicles I had on the road. We got to talking about commercial vehicle enforcement, crashes, law and issues that CDL drivers had to put up with out on the road. It was a really fluid conversation and I was glad to have met the couple. They shared with me that their Daughter, Kelli had passed from Cancer a couple years prior. Before they left that night, they handed me a copy of her testimony that she wrote before she passed. It was powerful. I knew that there was a reason I had met this couple but I had no clue as to why.

That following Sunday, Kim and I stepped into the Speedway across from work to get a couple of fountain drinks. At the register, I heard a little voice tell me, “pick up a Sunday paper.” Even at that point, I knew God whispered and sometimes he yells. I hardly ever buy a paper. I heard the whisper. I picked up the paper, paid for it and out the door I went.

That night, I flipped through the paper fairly quickly. I don’t remember seeing anything that caught my eye. Except for one thing. One the back page was a full color ad for A&M Carriers. It was the trucking company that Mr. Shaw worked for whom I met earlier in the week. I filed the memory away and tossed the paper.

A couple days later, in the evening, Mr. and Mrs. Shaw walked in to pick up their glasses. I had the opportunity to fit Mr. Shaw. As they started to leave, I heard another whisper say, “tell him you saw the ad.” As the couple approached the front door, I stopped them before they reach the door. “Hey, I wanted to tell you I thought about you this week. I saw your ad in the paper.” I said. Dave responded, “You did? I thought about you too.” I watched as Dave scanned the room, took a business card out of his front shirt pocket and said, “My Safety Director of 10 years is retiring. Call me if you are looking for a change.” The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew God was talking. I knew he was working. I knew he was setting something in motion.

Long story short, I sent in my resume along with a lengthy e-mail describing the last year and three months prior to that meeting. I couldn’t see how a company like theirs could use me due to liability concerns. I had experience. I had the drive. I had the skill set. But, I had too much baggage. At least that’s what I thought. I interviewed and waited on the call. I could tell that the opportunity would be a great one. It sounded like an awesome company to work for. They were a faith based, family oriented company. I needed that so bad in my life. The opportunity would allow me to use and build on my experience. Commercial Vehicle Safety is a common field for former Law Enforcement, specifically Troopers to end up in. My background in traffic enforcement set me up for that.

A week later, I placed my notice of resignation with Visionworks and accepted the offer with A&M Carriers. I’ve been here over 2 years now. I’ll get to some of the events that have unfolded since then later, but I was in awe. 3 weeks after my Sobriety date, I was accepting a new position that was right in line with what I knew how to do. God was working and moving behind the scenes. I didn’t deserve it but I knew I was being lead to something beyond my imagination.

On January 3^rd, 2015, I worked my last day at Visionworks and turned in my keys. I am eternally grateful for my time there but I was ready and grateful to have step forward. On January 5^th, 2015, I reported for duty at A&M Carriers.

Not only had God lead me to place that I knew was a faith based and family oriented company. This was also a Monday-Friday 8:00AM-5:00PM slot. I was freed up for the remainder of the Step Study and worship on Sunday. I had no clue how much this company was going to play a role in Kim and I’s lives.

This leads me to step three, which I’ll discuss in the next post, “Facing The Truth.”

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
But I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

“Better Than I Used To Be”-Tim Mcgraw