“GUILTY AS CHARGED”

Part I

I will never forget the sound of the back glass of that Crown Vic shattering into thousands of tiny pieces. I never thought about it until now, but I guess the glass shattering also served as metaphor for the direction my life was headed at that very moment. When that marked patrol car came to a stop, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I was “done”. As if it was somehow still my decision to make at that moment. I had just been involved in a single vehicle patrol car crash on I-75 at MM 135 in Perry Ga. It was Tuesday, August 13^th, 2013. I think it was about 5:30. I honestly don’t remember. I’m sure the crash report and incident report shows the reported time. I remember leaving the apartment that my ex-wife and I had just moved into not even a week prior. I traveled down Russell Parkway to the ramp to I-75 Southbound and proceeded to travel Southbound. I made the decision to head to the post to trade out the “standby” car I was in for my assigned unit so I could quickly get to court in Houston County the next morning. Problem is, I had no business being behind the wheel of a vehicle. No business at all. I had been drinking since at least 1030 that morning. The car could’ve waited. That very decision to step behind the wheel changed the course of events of my entire life along with the lives of several others.

My day had started early that morning. I was the on-call Trooper for Post 15 Perry. At approximately 0200 hours, my phone rang and I was called out to work a minor collision on I-75 Southbound at MM 152. I went “10-8” and arrived shortly thereafter. I remember investigating that crash and wrapping up pretty quick. Our unwritten policy at the post was that if you were the midnight unit on call, you could investigate the crash, stay out and finish your 8-hour patrol shift. That’s what I did that night. I stayed out, patrolled around the Peach County area for a few hours, had breakfast with the night shift Byron P.D. crew before daylight came up. I remember returning home, finishing up my Crash Report and submitting it to the server. This was rare for me, because normally I was a day or so holding out crashes before I turned them in. In retrospect, it’s eerie. Seems like God knew what I was going to do. As of the end of the day on August 13^th, all my crash reports and incident reports were completed and turned in. I left the apartment, headed south to the post to get ready for the scheduled post inspection for the day. I walked in, went through the routine of cleaning my weapons, shining my shoes, and getting my Patrol Car washed. I was proud of that 2011 Charger. Everything was finished up and ready to go, and so was I. I had been out since 0200 and it was about 1000 hours. I remember my supervisor told me to leave everything for inspection except for my backup weapon, take the pool car and go home. I was more than happy to comply.

I remember that ride home to the apartment. I remember thinking about what I was going to do when I got there. I remember thinking how rickety the steering felt on that older Crown Vic. I remember thinking the same thing that I thought on countless days before that. I remember knowing that when I got home, I would change out of my uniform, jump in my truck and ride to the store to pick up a case of Beer. It was the same thought process I had for several years. I’m home. Alone. With Downtime. “it’s hammer time. I can stay home and drink all day. That sounds like a good time.” Somehow, I had learned to fill my idle time with Alcohol. At this point, it wasn’t new. Alcohol had been my best friend for a quite a while. This day was just another chance to meet up with my long lost friend and have a sit down.  I got home, went “10-7 10-42” and did just that. I ran to the gas station across Russell Parkway and picked up what I remember to be an 18 Pack and got back to the house as quick as I could get there.

I don’t remember a whole lot about that day. I know I drank. I know I drank a lot. Knowing me, I probably sat there, listening to depressing music on you tube while my mind circled around all the people, places, things and events that seemed to be “out of order” in my life. I didn’t recognize it then, but many of the complaints I had about life were worse than they had to be because I made them that way. With King Alcohol flowing through my veins, it made it all alright. King Alcohol convinced me that either nothing was my fault, or I was too unworthy to deserve better. There was no in between. I’ll get to a lot of that later on down the road. I remember talking to a couple people on the phone that day, but nothing specific. It’s been 3 ½ years ago now. I do remember going back out and getting another 12 pack. I’m sure that affirms something about how much I had been drinking.

That evening at about 5:00 PM, I remember suddenly realizing that I had court the next morning in Warner Robins. Court was just a couple miles away from the Apartment. I didn’t feel like having to go all the way down to the post, trade out my patrol car and roll back up to court. Today, it seems simple. Wouldn’t have taken any time at all. At the time, I’m sure I subconsciously didn’t want my ex-wife to come home to find me intoxicated either. See, my Alcoholism had been an issue for a while. A while as in at least a solid couple of years of “please slow down”, “why can’t you order something besides beer at lunch” and “you always drink too much”. I tended to justify my drinking in the beginning, then, over time, I began to hide it. Lie about it. To me, protect it. This day was no different in that aspect. Because, after all, “I wasn’t hurting anybody.” At least, in the mirage of my Alcoholic thinking, I wasn’t. Truth was, I was a Tornado.

What I know about the crash is pretty simple. I was traveling southbound on I-75 approaching exit 135. I vaguely remember realizing that I was going to pass the ramp. I overcorrected, lost control, slid counter clockwise and struck the butt end of the guardrail at the bottom of the ramp. The vehicle rotated back clockwise facing towards the top of the ramp. As I mentioned before, I can vividly recall the sound of the glass shattering. I remember feeling my neck snap. When the car came to rest, I remember thinking it was bad. I had no clue how bad it really was. Somewhere in my mind, I knew I needed to get to the post. It was never my intention to leave the scene, but I can understand today why it looked that way. Later I found out that not only was the back glass shattered but the 2 back tires were blown and off the rims. I pressed the gas and began limping the car to the post, which was approximately ½ mile away. About ¼ mile from the post, I remember seeing blue lights in the rear view mirror. It was a Perry P.D. Unit that had gotten the call of a patrol car crash. He followed me all the way to the post. As I approached the entrance to the post, I can remember seeing the emergency lights of the black in color Charger exiting the front of the post headed my way. It was one of my NCO’s. I can recall knowing at that moment that life as I knew it was over. I don’t remember thinking much more than that. Not sure I had the ability.

When I pulled up under the carport at the post, I exited the vehicle and immediately was met by my supervisor. Within seconds, my post commander (who was off duty and staying at the post) came running outside. Within seconds, they knew what the culprit was and so did I.  I had violated the very law that I was charged with enforcing. The very law that I had arrested close to 50 People for violating in 2013 alone. I can remember breaking down in the post before they asked me to step back outside. They did their job just as I would’ve expected them do and I have never blamed them for that. I have however attempted to make amends for what they had to do next. I was placed under arrest for DUI Alcohol. Then came the reading from the orange card that I had read close to 200 times in 5 years.

“Georgia law requires you to submit to state administered chemical tests of your blood, breath, urine, or other bodily substances for the purpose of determining if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If you refuse the testing your Georgia driver’s license or privilege to drive on the highways of this state will be suspended for a minimum period of one year. Your refusal to submit to the required testing may be offered into evidence against you at trial. If you submit to testing and the results indicate an alcohol concentration of 0.08 grams or more, your Georgia driver’s license or privilege to drive on the highways of this state may be suspended for a minimum period of one year. After first submitting to the required state tests you are entitled to additional chemical tests of your blood, breath, urine, or other bodily substances at your own expense and from qualified personnel of your own choosing. Will you submit to the state administered chemical tests of your breath under the implied consent law?”

It was the Georgia Implied Consent warning. I said yes to the Breath test. I do remember muttering that I didn’t want to lose my license. My own supervisor placed me in the back of the patrol car and transported me to the Houston County Jail. This was a jail I frequently visited as I dropped off arrestees of my own. He was kind enough not to place the handcuffs on me until we got to the jail. When those silver bracelets went on, I felt the panic begin to set in. I complied with the breath test and gave my two samples. I was charged with the lower of two as standard protocol. .17. I was over twice the legal limit. I cried hysterically. I recall apologizing multiple times. I watched as my supervisor took my wallet, removed the numbered “361”GSP badge along with my state I.D. My dream career was slipping away right in front of me. Then, he took care of my paperwork and left the jail. I was charged with Failure to maintain lane, Leaving the scene of a crash and DUI. The Leaving the scene charge was amended later to “duty to notify upon striking a fixture”. As I sat there, waiting to get my picture taken, I just kept thinking, “this is nightmare, no no no no no.” The fact is, it was real. My worst nightmare was coming true. I was photographed, fingerprinted and booked. 

They didn’t let me go home that night. It’s a good thing they didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here today. They changed my clothes and I had to put on that classic orange jumpsuit and was placed in a cell. In Retrospect, I know was to protect me and let me sober up. I didn’t sleep much. I remember seeing bits and pieces of the news in the early morning hours. I knew that most likely I would be on it. It still didn’t seem real. Somewhere in the night, I do remember praying. I’m fairly certain I was begging God to remove me, make it all disappear or kill me. None of those happened. I wanted to disappear off the face of the Earth. Occasionally, a Detention Officer would come check on me. A couple of them tried to share a positive word or two but I don’t think I was capable of understanding the reality of what I had done.

Meanwhile, outside the jail, my family was trying to figure out how to handle me. How to respond to the damage, destruction and chaos I had brought. I’ve tried to make peace with the decisions I made, but I know that no amount of apology can erase the damage from the Alcoholic Behavior. Not only the drinking, but all the decisions that went along with it. So many of the secrets I had been hiding. So much of what I was using to fill the void in my soul with was about to come to light.

Only God can restore that kind of damage. I know he has in many ways. He's still on the throne, he's still in charge, and he's still all knowing and all powerful.

That night, I thought I had hit bottom. Unfortunately, I wasn’t even close yet. I would realize later that every bottom has another bottom because every bottom has a trap door……..

Part II to continue

"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn"

Tenth Avenue North