"Ashes"

“Ashes”

The slam of the thick steel door echoed loudly behind me at the Hardin County Detention Center. I was free. Well, physically that is. The world I stepped into had not freed from me the debt I owed. Basically, I had been freed from physical captivity, but the prison in my mind was a maximum security facility. Nothing and no one was getting out from that place. I walked down the hallway and into the foyer. As I began to draw out what money I had left from the ATM, I heard a familiar voice behind me. I turned around and there was Momma. I hugged her tighter than I had in a long time. I just remember telling her I was sorry. I didn’t know what else to say.

When we left the jail and started down the road, the decision was made to try to go by the tow yard and see if I could at least get my personal items out of my truck. Upon our arrival, I was notified of a nifty little Kentucky law requiring the registered owner of the vehicle to show up in person to authorize entry into the vehicle. The truck was not in my name. It was in my Ex’s name and I wasn’t sure she was ever going to come. I knew it was just stuff, but it was all I had. The trip up was only supposed to be a quick visit that I had turned into a staycation. Inside that truck, I had my clothes, a suitcase, CB radio, CD Collection, a Black Powder Rifle, and other odds and ends. Looking back, I’m grateful I chose to keep my Trooper School ring on when I was arrested by the KSP 10 days earlier. Long story short, I never saw that truck or any of my personal items again.

Within a few hours of getting back to my Mother’s apartment, I was contacted by a couple of people asking if I was okay. That was a strong word looking back and a pretty vague descriptive word. All I wanted to know was if I got to go home or had that bridge burned?  It wasn’t long before I spoke with a friend that passed along the news that I was afraid of. In third party format, I was told that I didn’t have a home to go back to. This friend said that he had spoken to my ex and that indeed she was finished with me. True to the cycle of insanity, I returned to what “worked”. All I could process was how I could get absolutely obliterated. After 3 DUI’s, 11 total nights in jail, seeing my career, my marriage, my life, my dreams, burn to ground because of my drinking and the consequences of my poor decision making while out there drinking, I still just wanted to pick up another bottle.

Within a few minutes, I had a cold beer popped open and I was on my way again. I do remember not slugging down bottles one after the other. I knew I was going to speak to my ex that evening and I didn’t want her to think I was drinking. So, part of me wanted to try to put on the same show that hadn’t been working and part of me said “screw it” at that very moment in order to dull and numb the pain. That evening, she called. The confirmation came. The truth. The consequences. The exile status.

“I can’t be married to you right now.” I remember those words clearly. They were followed by “God’s got me. He’s gonna take of me.” As if God wasn't going to do that for me. Then again, I didn't feel worthy of being taken care of either. During the course of the conversation, I learned that I truly didn’t have a home to go back to. All of my stuff was in a storage building, locked up. My ex was with her Mom and she wasn’t coming. She had finally drawn her line. I do remember her making reference to the fact that I had a “new problem.” Her family now knew of the choices I was making. All I could muster up when that statement was made was “I’m not a monster.” There was a hesitation in her voice, followed by “Well….”

Thing is, as much as I wanted to pretend I didn’t, I believed it too. I want to be clear about something here so there is no misconception in some of the statements I just made. I know and I do believe today, that as Christians, we are called to forgive others just as Christ forgave us for our Sins before we even made them. That’s why he sacrificed himself as God’s son. I do not believe however that God calls us to continue to place ourselves in the path of a destructive Tornado when we’ve seen it’s damage before. What do you do if you receive notification of a Tornado watch or evening a warning? You take cover, you use caution, you take every measure necessary to protect yourself from the incoming damage. Truth is; I was toxic, I was destructive and I had caused a lot of damage. My ex had every right to back away. I know that today. But then, that’s not where my Alcoholic thinking went. What I saw was different. I did blame myself. I did agree, but I had no clue how to stop it.

I was stranded. Exiled. I had no home, no job, no wife, no license, no truck, no stability and no one wanted me around anymore. All I had was where I was and what I was wearing. Everything else I knew, lay in Ashes. I had single handedly destroyed and burned everything and everyone I had touched.

Many people would’ve chosen that very moment to turn to help. Whether that be in patient or outpatient treatment, a phone call to a pastor, a scream for help, anything. No, not me. I didn’t deserve that. Here is where all the anger, all the pain, all the finger pointing I had done to other’s in my life began to point back at me. All those emotions and thoughts that were jumbled up in my mind began to backfire at me. I was at fault for all this. I was responsible for the damage. I began to become very angry at myself but God was working and he was about to start getting extremely obvious in his messages to me. The other side of the argument for me was control. Even after the events unfolded like they did, I wanted to keep trying to control what was happening in my life. I was just grasping at straws in retrospect.

I continued to drink. The pain was intense and I didn’t want to feel it or face it. It was obvious I was stuck at Mom’s for a while at least. So, I continued to do what worked. I say that lightly. For the next few days, I hung out with Mom, drank and I tried to make sense of what I had done. My mind floated back to the statement Colonel McDonough had made to me at GSP HQ a couple weeks prior. “Sometimes God Whispers and Sometimes God Yells.” God had yelled at me loudly, multiple times, and in different ways. I hadn’t listened and then had stopped the show. I felt so stupid, so low, kind of like garbage that had taken itself out.

I grew up in Church and received Christ into my heart at an early age. My belief in the Lord never waivered but until now, I never allowed him to run the show. I didn’t think that was his job I suppose. I knew though, that I needed to be somewhere in Church that following Sunday morning. I had passed a larger church pretty close to Mom’s place while riding into town with a friend of hers a couple days after leaving the jail. I chose to try it out Sunday Morning. It was Severns Valley Baptist Church. From the outside, the size reminded me of where I had been going in Milledgeville. Inviting, but big enough that maybe no one would see the baggage I was walking in with.

Meanwhile, I made contact with my attorney’s in Georgia to see where they stood with me. I expected them to drop me because I taken their kindness and threw into the burning pit with everyone else. To my surprise, they didn’t. I am still so grateful for the Walker Firm today. I made an appointment in an agency called KAPS. They are an agency that monitors those sentenced with probation and court ordered treatment. I wasn’t on probation yet, but part of my sentencing was to attend the DUI Victim’s Impact Panel and also complete the 20 Hour DUI Risk Reduction Course. I went to that meeting and got set up. I didn’t know how long I was going to be in Kentucky, but I at least had to set it up. KAPS told me about an option for the 20 Hour course that was just around the corner on the downtown ETown Square. They were Hub City Services. I will never forget walking through that door for the first time.

I walked in, signed my name and sat down. I could not believe that I was having to sign up for a DUI Risk Reduction Course. Just a month prior I was arresting drunk drivers for a living. It was then I met Mrs. Laura. Mrs. Laura and her family own the business there and they’ve been providing treatment services there for quite some time. I sat down in front of her and began the intake process. I told her about my story, all the way down to how my Mamaw had washed my wallet. I mentioned how the Georgia State Seal had been washed away and how my Georgia ID had been disintegrated. She looked at me and said “Tyler, someone’s trying to give you a fresh start.” I knew she was right, even then. But I didn’t want a fresh start. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be wanted by the people I already knew. I wanted to return to life as I knew it. But that wasn’t going to happen. The staff at hub city will always have a special place in my heart. Their kindness, especially over the course of the first couple of months in Etown was the first example of God beginning to surround me with people that knew how to love me when I didn’t’ know how to love myself. I completed the intake process, evaluation and got scheduled for those classes as well as several group sessions they wanted me to take. I was actually honest in my eval and the counselor saw fit that I needed more than just the risk reduction course point me in the right direction. She too, was right.

That next Sunday Morning, I stayed true to my intention to go to Church. I knew I needed to be there. At that time, God was the only one that could intercede in what was happening in my life even though I wasn’t ready to give up the control I thought I had. When I walked in, I was welcomed by a greeter and given a visitor’s packet. I took a seat in the large auditorium in a mostly empty row of chairs. It really did have the same feel I was used to. I opened the visitors packet and there, in the very front of the packet was a flier for a program called “Celebrate Recovery.” I read the flier and I knew immediately that there was a reason that God had brought me to that specific church that morning. The flier mentioned that the program was a national program that focused around Christ Centered Recovery for everyone dealing with life hurts, hang ups and habits.” I had never heard of this program before, but I instantaneously knew I was supposed to go the next night. I sat through the sermon, (I can still tell ya what it was about).  At the end of the service, as I prepared to leave, a lady who I’m sure I wouldn’t recognize today tapped me on the shoulder. I was dismayed when she asked me “are you new? I’ve never seen you before.” I was in a room with 300 other people. My vistors packet wasn’t visible, how did she know? We spoke briefly and parted ways. Before I left, I made the decision to catch the Pastor before I left. Pastor Bill was very kind, listened to me story, prayed with me and hooked me up with one of the leaders for Celebrate Recovery. Today, I know that morning was a divine appointment set for me by God. It became a lot more obvious as time went on, but that one morning, that one decision to go to Severns Valley, set so many other events in motion. There is a reason I don’t believe in coincidence anymore.

The next night, I took a taxi back to Severns Valley. I do remember feeling nervous walking in there. I knew there was a strong likelihood that I would have to share what I was going through. I wasn’t sure if I could do that. I was so ashamed. So angry at myself. Again, I was met with love and open arms. I went through worship and went to the newcomers course. This was the first time I had ever heard the term Recovery and what it meant. Growing up with an addict Mother along with working a ton of DUI Enforcement as a Trooper, I had never seen or heard this side of the things. The subject matter made sense and clicked with me. After that night, I was clear to pick one of the small groups to begin attending after the first hour of worship and testimony time. I do recall being excited to get back to CR the next week. One of the groups to choose from was Alcohol and Substance abuse. Even at this point, I was too afraid to step into that room and deal with my choices regarding Alcohol head on. Instead I chose an easier, softer group known as the hurts, habits and hang ups group. As I began attending CR week after week, I was surrounded with people that did learn some of the harder parts of my story. They loved me, cared for me, and began to support me. Again, It was God surrounding me with people who knew how to love me when I didn’t know how to love myself. In my small group, I was able to talk about what I was going through but I was only cheating myself. I wasn’t truly addressing the Alcohol. It was a sub topic under everything else. I couldn’t accept the fact that if I wanted to clear up all the other decisions, dealing with the Alcohol, had to come first. I wasn’t ready to admit I was an Alcoholic yet, but it was coming.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned in to a month. Even though I was going to church on Sundays and CR on Monday nights, I was still drinking. I had way too much idle time in isolation for own good. Then again, that’s what I always strived for. I had finally gotten my wish. Everyone was finally leaving me alone so I could drink. That bedroom at my Mother’s became my own person mental prison cell. Night after night, I would drink till I passed out or cried myself to sleep. Instead of focusing on how to better my life, I fix what was broken, I concentrated on how terrible of a person I was. This is a common theme among most active Alcoholics.  My ex stayed true to her word. She did try to talk with me for a while after I ended up in Etown but eventually she drew the line when she realized I wasn’t going to be honest about my mistakes. I was still too afraid of the consequences of the truth. How much worse could it get? I noticed that across social media, several people that were close to me began talking negative about me in a pretty open manner. Occasionally I would post a bible verse that hit me pretty hard. That was met with accusations of what a hypocrite I was. I wound up removing a lot of people from my friends list that either talked about me, ignored me at that point or I spoken to in quite a while. Even doing that, I remember feeling that they were right. Who was I to post anything biblical. My life was anything but biblical. Maybe it was better I just stayed silent.

I completed the DUI Risk Reduction Course in late September/ early October along with the group sessions. I enjoyed those. I know it sounds strange, but the information was solid, plus those groups gave me somewhere to be and to be busy. I walked into downtown Etown from where Mom lived on many occasions. The exercise was good and it gave me time to process and pray. I met several people that were on similar roads as I. Some of those folks were multiple DUI or Alcohol related offenders too. On that first 2 mile walk into town, I remember hearing a song come on I-Heart Radio. I had never heard it before but I knew it was God talking to me when I heard it. Bottom of Form

You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided so why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded, abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I'm giving you control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have your way in me

Unspoken-Lift My Life Up

I knew those words for me. Come to find out, the lead singer is a Recovering Addict. They’ve got several songs that I was able to identify with.

Even though I was hearing God speak to me. I knew he was setting me up to meet people, be places, feel truly loved, I couldn’t stop drinking. I couldn’t stop trying to numb the pain. I couldn’t stop wishing I could just erase so many things and go home. A lot of that cycle continued on for a while.

On one of the visits to Hub City for a session, one of the counselors pulled me aside and asked me if I had ever considered going to AA? The question caught me off guard. Truthfully the answer was yes. I could recall sitting on my couch, drunk, in the middle of the night, at least a year prior, knowing I had a problem. I can remember looking up AA meetings in Milledgeville, knowing I needed to talk to someone, but not being able to move past my fear, pride and control to go. She offered to get me the name of someone to look to, location of the meeting and time. I accepted the information and decided to go. I knew it was going to be hard, but I knew it was time. It was past time. I should’ve already been in those rooms. I didn’t truly what it meant to be an Alcoholic. But, I wasn’t going to lose anything at this point. That night, I got back to Momma’s and told her about the information I had gotten. To my surprise, she offered to go with me. She was familiar with the place and the people from her own journey. The meeting was scheduled for the next Wednesday night.

It was an unforgettable feeling walking into my first real meeting. I was going to CR but this was addressing specifically Alcohol. Several people recognized Momma and welcomed her back. Even I knew it had been a long time since she had been there. I guess I expected sadness and a lot of depression in a lot of these meetings. Sure, there was some of that but these people were happy, laughing, joking. I was unexpected. Just before the meeting started, Mom and I walked in and sat down. Momma had always been my biggest supporter, even when I was wrong. I never imagined being in a recovery meeting with her in this fashion. The meeting started and it wasn’t just a few minutes before I began hearing some familiar scenarios I could relate to. I listened, and it eventually came my turn to share. As I began to speak, I know my voice cracked. The lump in my throat seemed impassable. “Hi my name is Tyler and I am an Alcoholic.”

They were the words I never thought I’d utter, but they were out. Years worth of denial no longer an option.I remember I shared some of my story and I kept using the words “lose” or “lost”. I was heartbroken and angry at myself. I’m sure that came across clearly. One of the old timers spoke up and said, “Man, you gotta quit saying you “lost” anything. You didn’t “lose” anything, you “gave it away.” That was deep. It was probably the first time I heard a statement that drastically altered my perception of where I was in life. He was right. That night became the first of a lot of meetings, a massive intake of information and the continuation of God surrounding me with People that knew how to love me when I didn’t know how to love myself and even when I didn’t think I deserved any love, from anybody.

I’ll share more in “Revelation”

Well I ain't had nothin' to drink
I knew that's probably what you'd think
If I'd drop by this time of night
Remember way back when
I promised you I'd drop in
At one of those meetings down at the "Y"

They started talking' about steps you take
Mistakes you make the hearts you break
And the price you pay
I almost walked away

You could hear a pin drop
When this old man
Stood up and said I'm gonna say it again
Like I do every week
For those who don't know me

It's the simple things in life
Like the kids at home and a loving' wife
That you miss the most, when you lose control
And everything you love starts to disappear
The devil takes your hand and says no fear
Have another shot, just one more beer
Yeah I've been there
That's why I'm here

This old boy stood up in the isle
Said he'd been living' a life of denial
Then he cried, as he talked about wasted years
I couldn't believe what I heard
It was my life word for word
And all of the sudden, it was clear


I know for us it may be too late
But it would mean the world to me
If you were there when I stand to say

It's the simple things in life
Like the kids at home and a loving' wife
That you miss the most, when you lose control
And everything you love starts to disappear
The devil takes your hand and says no fear
Have another shot, just one more beer
Yeah I've been there
That's why I'm here

“That’s Why I’m Here”- Kenny Chesney