February 18th, 2017

Guilty As Charged Part II

The August Sun was beginning to warm the central Georgia air by the time the jail let me bond out on the next morning. I can distinctly recall not wanting to leave the jail. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. What and who would I be walking out to? Who could possibly want me around? What good was I going to do now? I had to work. My career was in ruins. Law Enforcement was all I knew. Fear took hold of me. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to be near anyone. I wanted to isolate like I knew how to on a regular basis and pretend the previous 24 hours hadn’t happened. But it had. I was 27 years old and the only full time job I had ever had was with a Law Enforcement Agency. To those that met me at the jail that morning, thank you. You know who you are. I expected to be alone. I felt I deserved to be abandoned, but I wasn’t. Yet.

I remember making a comment in the car on the way back to our apartment. “I guess I’ve got a get a real job now.” That morning after we got home, and within minutes, there was a knock at our door. It was my Troop Captain and Buck Sergeant from the post. I didn’t even know what to say. They both just hugged me and asked me if they could sit down. They did. As we sat at my Kitchen table, the Captain looked at me said “Tyler, I wish you would’ve talked to someone. We could’ve stopped the train wreck before it happened.” He had no idea how bad I wanted that too, but I didn’t know what to say except for “I’m sorry.” My Sergeant looked at me from across the table and said “In the future, people are not going to judge you by the mistakes you’ve made. They’re going to judge you by how you rise from the ashes.” Ashes…That made sense. To me, my whole world was burning down. All I could think of was that I was such a hypocrite. How could I have done what I have done.

The Captain advised me that I was officially on administrative leave. As I signed the administrative leave notice, I knew that it was the beginning of the end. Before I could ask, the Captain let me know that the Major wanted to see me the next day.  After almost 7 years on the patrol I knew enough to know what that meant. I’d be headed to Atlanta the next day to be terminated. The captain asked about my in car computer and a few other pieces of pertinent equipment that needed to immediately be collected. And then, they were gone. I knew I’d be headed to HQ the next morning.

When the door shut, I began to come face to face with the immediate aftermath of my choice. As my ex wife began to speak, I learned of the call she received from my Post Commander advising her of what happened. I began to hear the shock and panic in her voice. I learned that they found at least 2 empty Bud Light Platinum beer bottles in the car. I don’t even remember having them but I do remember drinking that brand that day. I learned that my brother in law, in a hurry to get to my wife was stopped for speeding by a local Police Department and detained for being in possession of a firearm that he had legally purchased. I was horrified at the consequences. The chain reaction and ripple effect of my decisions was obvious. God! What had I done? Fortunately for me, the local news media made sure I was going to KNOW what I had done. They were going to make sure everyone else knew too. The headlines were brutal. “State Trooper arrested for DUI.” My booking photo was plastered all over social media, the television sites and the Macon Telegraph.

I do remember by the end of the day, texts and calls began to come through from those that cared enough to reach out, even when they didn’t know what to say. Some members of the GSP Peer Support team called. I look back now and I see how much I was in Denial about my drinking and the other unspoken regrets I had. I tried to keep it together, but the true reality of what was happening wasn’t even clicking yet. I made the heartbreaking phone call to my Mamaw. All I could tell was I wasn’t with the patrol anymore and that I had lost my job. Later, she called me back and left me a message that makes me cry even when I listen to it today. I still have it saved. In her message, she said “I don’t know what has happened, we don’t always know why things happened. I don’t understand everything that has ever happened to me. But Mamaw and Papaw love you and you’ll always be our special boy.”-It’s hard for me to listen to that even today. Papaw passed on 6 months later.

The next morning, I suited up into civilian dress clothes, my Captain came by and picked me up for the trip to Atlanta. It felt like dressing myself for execution. When we arrived at HQ, I stepped out of that unmarked Dodge Charger and felt my heart drop to my stomach. The very first Trooper I ran into in the parking lot was a Trooper I worked with when I first came out of Trooper School and was assigned to Post 47, Forest Park. (Southside Atlanta).

Walking through the halls at HQ, I kept my head down. I didn’t want to make eye contact with anyone. I was so ashamed of who I was and what I had done that I just wanted to get his termination over with. I wasn’t so lucky. As we passed the Colonel’s office, there he stood. Colonel McDonough was a Major when I went through Trooper School and had specifically made the decision to keep me on the road as I finished up Trooper School. He took a chance on me when I struggled as a rookie and now I had let him down too. He spoke to a few others in the hall and then, I saw him look my way. He stepped over and popped a salute. I snapped to, but I was surprised. I had already written myself off. After we exchanged the usual customary greeting between an Officer and a Trooper, he put his arm around me. As tears filled my eyes, I said for what seemed like the millionth time in 2 days, “I’m sorry”. He said “I know and apology accepted. Just because this happened, doesn’t mean you’re are out of the family.” Then, what he said next, didn’t stick at the time, but later on in my journey it stuck, and sticks with me now every day. “Sometimes God whispers and sometimes God yells, and God’s yelled at ya.”

That day went just as I thought it would. I proceeded to the Major’s office and indeed, I sat there, as the Major notified me that he had no choice but terminate me from the Department. I’d lost it. I’d given away what I had worked so hard to attain. Trooper School was (at the time), the hardest thing I had ever been through. I left HQ with my Captain and made the long ride home. I just knew I wanted to get home and get a drink. I wanted nothing more than to numb the pain.

Over the course of the next 2 weeks, a lot happened. I’ve often compared the time period between August 13^th-September 1^st, kinda like treading water while waiving off the coast guard as if I was ok. Help was circling but I still wasn’t willing to admit I had lost control. I recall going to our home church the Sunday after my patrol car crash. Someone close to us prayed with us before service started and at alter call I went forward, hit my knees and begged God to help stop the pain and stop the damage I was doing to others. I felt the hands of multiple other Christian men lay their hands on me in prayer. I suppose looking back, I was the one cutting my communication off with God. Alcohol blocks that line for me and I know that today.

So far in this post and in the previous post, you heard me talk a lot about the Georgia State Patrol and the value I placed on my job. You’ve heard me talk a lot about Alcohol and the value I placed on Alcohol as my comforter and healer. What you haven’t heard me talk about much is my marriage, my family, and my faith. This should make sense. I wasn’t thinking about those people or things either at the time either. At least not as far as it meant putting them first. See, Alcohol wasn’t my only vice. When everything finally came crashing down, I had tried almost everything to void in my soul. To stop the bleeding, hide the pain, and make myself feel like “enough.”

I need to address a subject at this point that needs to be addressed, but I need to do respectfully. I was not the Christian husband I should’ve been in my first marriage. Unfortunately, infidelity is a major part of my story today. I can look back on my timeline today and the relationship I had with my ex wife and see how obvious it was that I tried to use all kinds of people, places, things and events to try to feel “whole.” Satan comes in all shapes and forms. When the crash came, none of those things had worked. Friends growing up hadn’t worked. Clubs hadn’t worked, even the ones I had served in leadership positions on hadn’t worked. Just as Alcohol didn’t work, College didn’t work either. The Army hadn’t worked. The Sheriff’s Office hadn’t worked. The Georgia State Patrol hadn’t worked. My relationship with my wife hadn’t worked.

I had relationship with my family but it wasn’t where I drew my strength from either. As far as God went, I’ve been a believer in Christ since I was 8, but at this point in my life if you asked me if I gave him complete an total control over every aspect of my life, I might have told you I did, but the fact is, with all the insecurities underneath, I didn’t believe God cared about me or what was going on with me. I grew up in church, was active in church and was in the pew most Sundays over the 9 years in Georgia.

Regretfully, I looked outside of my marriage to fill that void. As my Alcoholism progressed, I began to allow events to occur inside and outside of marriage that assisted in its destruction. After I got sober, It took me a long time to accept that it was only my job to own my part. To clean my side of the street. As I stated in a previous post, it is not my job, goal, or objective to make anyone else’s life worse or to impact anyone else’s life in a greater negative way than what I already might have in the past. With that being said, I bring this up, because as I stated, this was part of my testimony and it was an active issue at the time of my patrol car crash. So, along with the drinking and the emotional and financial implications those decisions brought, my decisions across the board were effecting the emotional and spiritual condition of those closest to me, including my ex wife. I know I’m not unique here either and a lot of folks in recovery out there have been in the same position. I can tell you that at the time, every time I made a poor decision, the guilt, shame and remorse piled up, but somewhere the little voice continued telling me it was okay to continue the cycle of insanity, no matter who I hurt in the process. I was so destructive and with every drink, the “don’t do this” voice dissipated. I made so many choices I regretted for so long. I remember thinking how low and disgusting I was. My grandparents were married almost 65 years when everything fell apart. They were my example. I’ve made peace with my past today but I share these choices, because if I don’t, that one person out there sitting where I was may not make it hear another message on Recovery.

In the days following that trip to HQ, a few things happened pretty fast. I made the decision to retain an attorney in regards to my charges. I had a couple of gentleman that I dealt with on my own cases in court. I visited the Walker Firm in Warner Robins and I will tell you today that those guys are some of the most professional and caring attorneys I’ve ever met. I made their job go from hard, to harder, to down right impossible. I owe so much to those guys today.

The other thing I realized is that I knew I needed to find a job. Money had to come from somewhere. I went ahead and appealed my termination through the State Patrol but I knew it was only so I could share my regrets with the command staff. That was scheduled for the 22^nd of September. I ended up landing a job at one of the local car dealerships in sales. One of my friends was in the car business and he and I had talked about some of the advantages to selling cars. I was ecstatic when I got that job. I knew God was working and I wanted to do better. Things were finally on the upswing. I was scheduled to begin work Monday the 26^th of August.

On August 22^nd, 2013, I traveled, on my own to Atlanta for my appeal. I knew going in I wasn’t going to sway their minds on my termination, but I wanted an opportunity to share my regrets for my decisions. Upon my arrival, I signed in and waited to be called back. I realize now how dark of a place I was in and what a slippery slope I was sitting on. When I got called back, I was escorted to the conference room. The fact that I was escorted hurt. I realized I was an outsider now. I went through the appeal and told the Lt. Col. And the rest of the staff how sorry I was, how much better I wanted to make my life and the commitment I was ready to do that. I left the appeal feeling down, depressed and angry at myself.

That afternoon, the first trap door on the floor of my first “bottom” fell through. I got home, made the decision to drink again and then again, step behind the wheel of a vehicle. I was involved in another collision, this time minor. I rear ended a vehicle on Russell Parkway near Corder Road. Warner Robins PD responded and investigated the crash. I had no business driving that day either. I’ve told folks in the past, I was never suicidal, but I suppose I was by default. I didn’t WANT to kill myself, but I didn’t care if anything happened to me or not. When Warner Robins PD showed up, I recognized the officer. He and I had backed each other up on traffic stops in the past. Sadly, I caused him to have to do his job. He picked up on the odor of an Alcoholic Beverage coming from me and responded accordingly. The sad part is, I thought he wouldn’t notice. He asked me if I had been drinking. Of course I lied and said nothing. This officer was a Drug Recognition Expert. I had active orders for DRE School when my Patrol Car Crash Occurred. I knew he knew.  For the second time in two weeks, I was arrested and charged with DUI. The Georgia implied consent warning was read again from the orange card. This time I refused the test. I remember thinking I hadn’t drank much. I was in so much mental denial, it’s hard to believe today. My wife, for the second time got the call. This was the city jail and the process was quick. They let me out within an hour and again, I had screwed up.

The next day, I received a visit that I am still grateful for today. One of the members of the GSP command staff that knew me called me to ask if he could come visit. He said he wanted to bring down a friend of his and come down and talk. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a 12 Step Call. Those guys know who they are and I am so appreciative for the effort they showed. We met up and talked, shared and I was told a story that later, helped to bring my journey full circle. I was still so far in denial that I couldn't understand the true meaning behind the trip.  

After that night, with two DUI’s pending, the phones calls and texts began to slow down. People started dropping off my radar. I could tell that people were beginning to give up on me and truthfully, I had already given up on myself. I hated who I was and hated who I wasn’t. I was never going to get it right and there was no way I was going to recover from what I had done. I didn’t think I deserved to.

I made the decision to finally seek professional help. Outpatient, but I was ready. I signed up for counseling and group services at the Phoenix Center in Warner Robins the following Tuesday. Meanwhile, I had started at the car dealership but had made the decision not to say anything about the second DUI. I began training on Monday, took off Tuesday to get registered for Treatment and went back in Wednesday for training. Wednesday afternoon, the consequences caught back up in the form of the media. At about 3:30 that afternoon, the sales manager paged me for a phone over the loud speaker. I remember thinking, “This is my third day, no one should need me.”. When I picked up, it was a reporter with the Macon Telegraph. She told me who she was and that she was looking for a comment on my second DUI. I remember feeling violated and humiliated at the same time. I frustratingly told her that I had no comment and hung up. 15 minutes later, I was released from the dealership due to being “uninsurable.”

As I got into my truck at the dealership, every single fiber of my being felt as if I was never going to be “allowed” to move forward. I felt labeled, damaged, unwanted, unworthy and useless. News broke that evening of the second DUI that had occurred days earlier.  I was paying the price for my wrongs, my sin and my decisions. “All the close calls, begging, pleading, whispers, God why didn’t I listen!?”

That night, I made a decision that ultimately altered the course of my entire life, even in the middle of the storm I was in.  I chose to leave out Friday to come up to Kentucky to see my family. With no job, the media following every step and the emotional support I felt I didn’t have. I packed a bag that Friday morning, fed our 8 year old dog Lexi and walked out the door of that apartment with every intention of returning Monday and setting out on trying to fix what was wrong with me. As if I could do that myself. I remember my wife asking me to wait for her and that she would go with me after work. I said no, that I needed the trip on my own. I wouldn’t make it back to Central Georgia for 6 months and life was about to become a whole lot different..

God was about to show me that it was his turn to take the wheel…………………………………………..

To Be Continued In Guilty As Charged Part III

Your hand was wrapped around the bottle
Your arm wrapped around her waist
You were running at full throttle
Big smile across your face

You were the life of the party
But it was all in your mind
I hate to be the one to tell you
You didn't have a good time

well I bet you don't remember
Kneeling in that bathroom stall
Praying for salvation
And cursing out the hall

The you went right back to drinking
Like everything was fine
But let's be honest with each other
You didn't have a good time

[Chorus]
So take a good hard look in the mirror
And drink that image down
I'm the truth you can't run from
I'm the conscious you can't grind
And the happiness you want so bad
You ain't going to find
Until you start believing
You didn't have a good time

When you woke up this morning
I guess you just assumed
That you got something out of
The empty bottles in this room

There ain't an angel that can save you
When you're listening to the wine
And the demons they won't tell you
You didn't have a good time

[Chorus]

Somebody had to tell you
You didn't have a good time

You Didn’t Have A Good Time-Randy Travis